Fueled by Coffee
FUCKING LOVE!!! Who knew coffee was this awesome? My friend Stazi would argue that she has been trying to tell me this for years, but let's face it- I've always been a little late to the game as far as addictive stuffs. I mean, look at my love for Las Vegas. And then, waiting 39 years to try some illegal in the state of Indiana edibles (was in Las Vegas at the time). I also didn't have a "proper" cup of coffee until I was 39 either. It's been a pretty awesome year. Hell of a good last year in my 30s. Not done yet, either!
And there I went on a tangent. I was saying that today's post is fueled on coffee. Love love love the coffee. I've needed it, too. Right now, even as I drink what I think is my 4th cup this afternoon (now I'm thinking of the caffeine headache I'm going to have if I don't keep this pace up moving forward), I have a minor case of the sleepies. There is nothing that I would love more than to crawl in bed and take a nap. Ain't no rest for the wicked, though.
Today it was back to the grind after a prolonged Christmas vacation. The kids went back to school, both Casey and I went back to work. All clients have been contacted, followed up with, stuff scheduled and thus we get back to doing what we love and live for. I've also been dealing with making the tough #adulting decisions.
You all know the story- mom has vascular dementia, yada yada yada. We are now on the waiting list for the memory care facility. The move, when it happens, will be crazy fast. Everything has to be in place and today has been the whole making phone calls to begin that process. I can feel the tension creeping up my back. I feel like one of those "Help us meet our goals!" thermometers that people fill in when there's a fundraising thing going on. If I had to describe where I'm at, I'd say I'm about half way up my back. I'll be happy when this is all settled. The worst part - Mom won't be able to take her piano. This piano, and she reminds me all the time, has been with her since the 60's. It's been around longer than me. It's been around longer than my parents marriage and divorce. I'm not 100% positive but I'm fairly sure that it has been overseas and back. I'll have to get my mom to tell me the story if she can remember. I know I've heard it but now I'm the one that can't remember. Hahaha!
Whatever the case may be, the piano cannot come with her. Just can't do it. When we moved her into assisted living there was downsizing from her home to a 2 bedroom apartment. It was that move that I was like "Oh my god, my mom is a Hoarder." No, not a hoarder, just in a house for over 20 years and that shit accumulates! Now, 2 years in assisted living in a 2 year apartment and I have to consolidate down to a room that is going to be slightly bigger than my current living room. TL:DR - not that big. This is gonna be fuuuuuuunnnnn. (That was sarcasm, people.) The piano situation - here's our options: 1) Sell said piano. That makes me sad. Someone will see the graffiti my 7 year old self made and possible, if they can dislodge it, a Luke Skywalker action figure with built in lightsaber from the early 1980s. Option 2) someone in the family takes it. The idea has been thrown around of even offering it to some of the family in Panama. Something tells me that will be ridiculously expensive, though. So far, no takers here. I don't have room and as much as we're like "Yeah! Piano!" We're all kind of standing around, looking at each other saying "Errrm, piano?" Option 3) Donate said piano to someone one or somewhere. Honestly, I'd rather sell it and put the money in my mom's account. Did I mention that memory care is fucking expensive? My hatred of the fact that a nice place for my mom is not covered by insurance, or at the very least PARTIALLY covered, pisses me off like nobodies business. That's another story entirely, though.
You'd think that after so many years of feeling like an utter disappointment and feeling like there was nothing in the world that I could possibly do to make my mom happy I'd be okay with this feeling of being completely inadequate. Nope! Some people have daddy issues. I have Mommy issues. Have you seen Bad Mom's Christmas? I laughed and cried during that movie because the relationship between Mila Kunis and Christine Baranski was spot on. You want nothing else to please your mom, but nothing you ever do is good enough. You know this, but rather than be like "Fuck it!" You keep trudging forward, attempting perfection, even though there is nothing you can do to get you there. Yeah, fairly sure I need therapy. And more coffee.
There's not enough coffee in the world... and my cup is currently empty. I think I'm ready for bed and ready for tomorrow. (Crap, it's only 5pm. Well, this sucks.)
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