Of Mice and Jess

The past couple of days I've been having a battle of the wills with what I'm guessing is four mice roaming around my house.

  As much as I'd hate to admit it, I'm thinking that they're getting the better of me, too.   Yesterday morning, in what I can only describe as a game of Mouse Matrix (totally picturing two mice dressed up like Neo and Agent Smith right about now), I was scared awake by two mice battling it out. IN. MY. OVEN.

For weeks now both Casey and I have been saying that one of these days we're going to actually bake a mouse alive.  Honestly, I'm wondering if that would be such a bad thing.  Kidding. What will probably end up happening in this particular situation would be that a mouse chews through the wiring and sparks a fire.  Then, our house burns down because of said fire and the insurance company will go back through all of our stuff, see that I wrote this post about a mouse causing a house fire and burning our house down and won't pay for any of our stuff.  Thanks insurance company!

Wow. Tangent much, Jess?  I guess this is what happens when I've had one too many cappuccinos in a day.

ANYWHO... where was I? Oh yeah, matrix mice.   I walk into the kitchen to get myself a much needed shot of morning espresso (or in this case instant cappuccino- thank you Hills Bros.) and as I turn on the light, a rapid series of what I can only describe as pinging begins on the interior of the stove door.   I instantly knew it was a mouse, but not quite being awake, I figured "Oh, it'll just figure out how to get out of there or it won't and I'll get to bake a mouse."  Oh was I so wrong.

I'm filling my mug with water and turn to put it in the microwave.  SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK!  I turn just in time to see not one mouse but TWO MICE exiting the oven just above the broiler pan, running around each other looking like they're doing some form of mousey kung fu.  They aren't climbing out of the oven, they're FLYING!  And then  BAM!!! They fly directly into each other.  And promptly turn and run in opposite directions of each other.   One runs to the fridge, the other under the sink.

And naturally, I scream like a little girl.  Just in time for Casey to walk through the door, giving me the most curious look.  "TWO. MICE!!!!!"  Casey shakes his head and says "Have you seen my car keys?"

We then spent 45 minutes looking for his keys.

But it didn't end there.  One of the little brown fiends decided to torment me further.  Our computer desk is next to the window that is currently covered from floor to near ceiling with a very large and heavy curtain.  The computer also sits next to an air return vent.  Mice, naturally, use the air ducts to run from one part of the house to the other.  It makes sense that they climb out of the vent, up the curtain and then LOOK STRAIGHT AT ME.

It's little mousey whiskers, twitching.  Black eyes non-blinking. Feet... JUMPING RIGHT ONTO MY DESK!!! MOUSE ON THE FREAKIN' DESK! OHMYGOD!!! Massive girlie scream from yours truly.

And then the kids laughed at me.

And then the mouse, deciding he/she had had enough of my girlie screaming and jumped back to the curtain.   I'm not sure whether the mouse was stupid or just enjoying taunting me (I'd like to think taunting me, since I subscribe to the Adam's theory that mice are a race of hyper intelligent pan-dimensional beings.) but rather than yelling "The answer is 42!! Now leave me alone!"  I proceeded to scream yet again.   Wash, rinse, repeat for half a dozen times or so until the mouse finally ran away and both Megan and I retreated to bed.

But it didn't end there...

As I lay in bed, reading some trashy vampire novel, attempting to relax after the days events, the sounds of gnawing begin.

WTF? Seriously? I whack my headboard against the wall.  The sound stops.  Back to my trashy vampires.  Ooh! Hot trashy vampire sexor! Yeah!

Gnaw-gnaw-gnaw.

On goes the flashlight.  Casey pulls the cover over his eyes.  Where are you, ya little fucker? I get out of bed, looking behind furniture, under furniture, inside drawers.  Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Nada.  Turn off flashlight, back into bed, stupid mouse pissing me off ruining hot vampire sex.

Gnaw-gnaw-gnaw.

And then I realize it's coming from above my head.  There is a mouse, somewhere in the ceiling above me, chewing himself a lovely little town home in my attic.   Note:  if you're going to throw a shoe at the ceiling, make sure that you don't throw it directly where your head and/or body is under.  Angle it, people.  You'll thank me for that.

After throwing the shoe, I put on earbuds and attempted to sleep despite thinking for a good portion of the night that a mouse was going to come down from the ceiling and yell "BOO!" right in my face.

This morning, I woke up relatively refreshed all things considered.  I walked down the stairs, sat down at the computer to check the weather and sitting there, right in front of the monitor was my curtain jumping nemesis.  We both looked at each other.  I blinked a couple of times.  Mr. Mousey wiggled his nose at me.  "Good morning Sunshine!  FUCK YOU!!!!!!"  I channeled the loudest, scariest growl that I could muster.  I waved my arms, I threw paper.  The mouse just stood there.  Stopping to catch my breath, the mouse sniffed the air and turned and ran back to the curtain.

Asshole mouse.