The Book of Yesac, Part Something

 The following story was written by a 15-year-old me.   At the time I was fueled by Mountain Dew and undiagnosed ADHD. I had (and still have) no filter.  I thought I was awesome.  This story may make your head explode due to it's absolute ridiculousness. Also, due to some of the poor grammar (I was 15!!!), I have edited slightly. 

Lady Ruth the telepath, head of the house of Remrechs, was in her room, reading.  Robert the wizard always said she did too much of that, and that it was bound to get her in trouble someday. 

Today is someday. 

But not that someday. 

Today is Robert's someday to be in trouble. 

Which would explain why he materialized out of nowhere (actually, his tower, which is in Niborb, not Novaire) about two feet above the floor of Ruth's room.

"Still haven't gotten the bugs out of Excalculator, have you?" She said. 

"Oh, shut up! You've got to get me out of here!" He said. 

"Where?" She asked. 

"Anywhere!" Robert exclaimed.  [Author's note: I can actually see my friend Matt, who was "Robert", with his eyes bugging out, being completely over the top dramatic.]

"What's the problem?" Ruth asked, closing her book. 

"I've been... Elected!" Robert's face blanched at the mere mention of the thought. 

Wizards do not like to rule.  Being in charge, they say, is too much trouble.  If they were to be in charge,  they wouldn't have enough time to work on the REALLY important problems in life, such as: How can I get away without paying taxes this year. How old is this lunch meat?  And, of course, the ever-popular what did I do with that particularly volatile extract?

It is also generally conceded that anyone who wants to be in charge is, by that fact, absolutely not suited for the job.  This causes a perplexing problem when it comes to choosing a leader.  Most places choose their leaders by bloodline, but since wizards, by their nature, don't like people and therefore rarely get wives [Author Note: There is a footnote here in the original document that reads as follows: "There are female wizards, but not many.  They rarely get husbands.] and, as follows children. At least, none that they'd admit to as they have all been disappointing. Children as an option are not possible.  

Nibrod elects their leaders to serve a four-year sentence term.  However, since any wizard who was aware that he was nominated, would quickly move to a nicer place, say the polar ice cap; the candidates are not notified of their nomination until after the fact. Their names are accidentally left off ballots. 

When a wizard finds out he is elected, he usually tries to skip out. If he does get caught, however, he is considered unfit for the job by being not smart enough to weasel out of it.  

Nibrod has not had an official leader for over 200 years.  The real work is all done by a chimpanzee who lives in the basement of the Nibrod Parliament Building.  He works really cheap. 

"So?" Ruth asked, skimming the letter. 

"Oh, sorry.  Read the paragraph on the last page." Robert said, handing her the election letter. 

"Oh my.  You're in trouble, aren't you?" Ruth's eyes twinkled with mischief. 

"I hate that.  Fine, if you won't help I'll go to.." Robert clenched his teeth and held back his gorge. His eyes were watering. "...Roland."

"I'll help you.  Let's go see Roland."  Ruth said. 

Robert could tell that his day was about to go rapidly downhill.  "Excalculator, the middle of Novaire."

[Author Note: There are parts where the story just jumps for no reason whatsoever.  I cannot explain it. I may or may not flesh things out as I go.]

Upon finding Roland and repeating the above rigamarole, Roland looked at Robert rather strangely.  "What's the problem? I like being in charge." (Note to reader: if you did not get the joke, please re-read the paragraph beginning with "It is also generally concluded..."

"See, I told you he didn't want to help. Let's go, Ruth.  Excalculator..." Robert faltered, mainly because he had absolutely no idea where to go.  This mistake proved stupid. 

"I know!" Roland shouted.  "There's a cave out in Erikla that could be helpful!"

Robert sighed.  "All right," he said. He had given up on the hope of a good day, grudgingly abandoned tolerable, and was now desperately clinging on to not-suicidal.  "Excalculator, Erikla cave."

At this point, Rober determined that one of three things were happening.  Either Excalculator was against him, the fates were trying to drive him insane, or he really needed to slow down when he talked.  The group materialized in front of a small cottage.  A sign in the front read: "Eric LaCave, REALTOR."  Above it in large red letters hung a sold sign. 

"I don't care what's going on but if that cave is made out of gingerbread, I'm going back and turning myself in," Robert groaned. 

"Well," Roland walked up to the house and broke off a small piece of what looked like wood.  "You're in luck!"  Roland licked it, then bit off a piece. "It's not gingerbread."

Robert relaxed.  

"It's peanut brittle!" Roland exclaimed joyfully.  

Robert was approaching apoplexy.  "I suppose we better go in.  Ruth, get ready to push the owner into a microwave if necessary."  Robert walked up to the door and knocked. His hand got sticky. 

"What do you want?!" An old crone flung the door open, irritably.  As she did, it hit Roland in the nose, causing him to crash through the brittle wall and fall into a cauldron of what looked like, but by all regards shouldn't be tomato soup.  The old crone wavered for a moment and then vanished! In her place, a fairly young girl appeared.  

"Well, I've heard of a crone pretending to be a girl, but never vice versa," Robert commented. 

"Ever hear of a young witch?" The ex-crone asked. 

"Well, no," Matt said. 

"No wonder.  You get no respect being a young witch.  You got to be old and ugly.  Ugh, and now you've ruined it!" She threw her arms in the air, stomping over to the turned-over cauldron.

"What's in the pot?" Roland asked.

"What's it look like?!" She asked. 

"Well, since you're a witch, I would have to guess... Salamander's blood?" Roland asked. 

"No.  Really? Salamander blood?" The witch asked.

"Honestly?" Roland asked.  The witch nodded.  "Tomato soup."

"Darn!  Another illusion spoiled!" She said. 

"Do you happen to know of anywhere to hide?" Robert asked with a growing sense of urgency.  He knew the wizards had to be getting near.  

"It's just great!  Look at Lynn there! She's not a crone! She's just a girl! That's all I hear!" The witch was getting very shouty. Small explosions indicated that the wizards were indeed approaching.  

"Oh, just, forget it!"  Robert lunged for her broom.  

Ruth ran after, yelling "You can't fly that!" She hopped over Robert and onto the broom and then pulled him up. 

However you're supposed to fly a broom, Ruth managed to step on the gas.  The two rocketed along the terrain roughly 4 feet above the ground.  But, since balancing on the broom had yet to be figured out by the pair, they hung upside down.

The wizards walked along, slowly covering the terrain that Ruth and Robert had flown over.  The head wizard called out to the front "Any luck yet?"

A chorus of no's came from all directions as wizards called from all over the hills.  

"Well, we better find him soon!  Someone's got to get back and feed the chimp or he..."

Whatever the chimp would do if he got hungry will remain a mystery, as the head wizard had stopped.  He stood confused, staring at two people rocketing along, shouting such things like:

"I thought you said you could fly this thing!"

"What now?!"

"Maybe if we just go along nobody will ever notice us!"

The broom crashed into a nearby boulder.  It is said that this crash was what caused the road paving industry on the planet.  

Lynn the with and Roland swooped down from the sky with far more elegance, riding upon a bright pink feather duster.   

"This looks like trouble," Roland commented.  

Robert and Ruth pulled themselves from the wreckage.  

Telepathically, Robert screamed at Ruth.  "We're caught!"

Just over the hill, the wizards were running towards them. 

Ruth rolled her eyes at him.  "If you pretend to be stupid, they might let you go." 

"Ooooh!  Right!"  He agreed.  Robert cleared his throat.  "I think the Cubs have a really good chance this year!" He said cheerily.  

Roland shivered in disgust.   

The wizards had JUST appeared before the trio, teleporting the last little way.  Out of breath, but excited, they looked at each other and went into a huddle.  After conjuring a pitcher and glasses of water for everyone and then confering in a huddle, the head wizard emerged.  

"Robert, you must be smart! Otherwise you would not have thought to say that!"

"What?! Oh no! It was HER idea! HERS!" Robert said, pointing excitedly at Ruth, attempting to throw her under the bus not realizing that Ruth was not a wizard and thus not eligible for being duely elected as leader.

"Blaming it on the telepath! Also smart!"  The wizards all nodded in agreement.  They were excited! There was going to be a leader! They actually caught someone! He was smart enough to lead but stupid enough to get caught!

"I give up," Robert threw his arms up.  He was really tired.

"Pretending to give up early?! Only a genius would anticipate that!" The head wizard exclaimed. 

"What about crashing into the boulder?" Ruth asked.  She was genuinely curious at this point. Robert shot her a look that screamed that he was going to kill her. 

"No one has ever gone to that much effort to try and stop us from catching them before!  Brilliant to set that up!" Another wizard chimed in.  

"I need a vacation," Robert said cradling his head in his hands. 

"The use of such an inane phrase! Marvelous!" The wizards were all aflutter with excitement. 

"Excalculator, Nibrod tower, or anywhere else far away from these people!" Robert said, hoping that Excalculator would finally get it right. 

The head wizard began to bounce up and down.  "And pretending not to like us!!!"  

A book flew at him. Robert threw it just as they dematerialized.  The wizard ducked.

"War and Peace!!" The wizard exclaimed.  "He MUST be a genius! NO ONE reads War and Peace let alone owns it!"

Will Robert be forced to be in charge? Will Lynn ever get any respect? Will Ruth even bother to help next time?  Will the head wizard ever shut up?  Read the next story, when we totally ignore all these questions in The Book Of Yesac, Part something + 1.