Tales of Anxiety: Part whatever.... it keeps going.

My brain is not being very nice to me today.  I woke up in a great mood, smiling, not worried.  I knew I had a blood test this morning (annual checking of the numbers to see how I'm doing) and I was properly fasted and not the least amount of hangry.  I also got good sleep last night.  

The blood test was no worry, Kacy took the cat to the vet - again, no worry.  My Dad bush hogged a couple of spots in the back - a little worried, but he seems to be doing okay and I think that I've managed to flip the switch to "Well, he's gonna do whatever he wants to do, he's a grown man."  That switch flips on and off and this morning, while I was concerned that he was outside, it was already 85 outside and he's been looking a little poofy since he got back home, I had already fought that mental battle and came out as good as I could expect. 

I decided to take a walk to the mailbox to see if that helped.  The heat was like a hot, wet blanket the minute I walked out the door.  Normally, a quick 2 minute walk to and from the mailbox is enough for me to calm down but it didn't work.  I got back to the house and felt like I was going to cry.  I sat back down at my desk and decided that it would be best for me to just stop and distract myself.  If I can ostrich-head-in-the-sand whatever is going on in my head at the moment and distract myself by doing something brainless, then I'm going to do it and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. I absolutely cannot allow myself to feel guilty about whatever because if I do, then I'll be even more of a mess.  This is me, finally understanding my limitations.   Does it mean I like them? No.  In fact, the limitations also have a side effect of still making me feel guilty for not doing every little thing that I possibly can.  

I also think, that while I was letting myself off the hook, I realized what could be contributing to this.  Today, I go with my Dad to his cardiologist appointment for an ultrasound of his heart.  This is our first follow up since he had his stents put in.  At that time, his heart was working at 25% and that was with the stents.  I think the reason I am so... well, anxious, is because today we'll see where he's at.  Whether his heart has maintained or decreased in strength.  I'm hoping for maintained.  Just like always, I'm preparing for the worst, my brain catastrophizing.  I used to think I was smart for having plan a, b, c, d, all the way up to z.  Now, I understand that this is just how I have coped with my anxiety and getting older, I don't roll with the punches like I used to.   I used to be more adept at "turning off my brain."  Now, not so much.

So yeah... let's hope for the best and in the meantime, I'll be turning my brain off.