Schedules

 I'm having one of those nights where I like to say my body is not compatible with capitalism.  Meaning, the 9-5 work-a-day type of life does not suit the perimenopausal insomnia that I suffer on more than just the rare occasion.  

I laugh about it, thinking it's more than just a symptom of perimenopause because I have always been this way.  It takes me hours to fall asleep and more often than not, it takes some sort of a sleep aid to assist me in the winding down and sleeping process.  I can remember times, when I was little (I couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 because my parents were still living in the same house) and I would hide underneath the covers reading with a flashlight because I couldn't fall asleep.  There was always the routine - bath, pajamas, brush teeth, bed.  A story would be in there, maybe there was some time between bath and pajamas? I can't remember specifics, but I know that was the general gist.  I always had a specific bedtime and I never wanted to go to sleep.  Even when my parents had me in every activity under the sun during the week (tumbling, various dance classes, karate, girl scouts, etc) and while the goal was probably for me to get some sleep, rest for my over active mind and body, rarely did I actually fall asleep at bedtime. 

Currently my schedule has been all out of wack and I've been getting lots of good sleep because of the two hurricanes that came close to our neck of the woods.  Our kiddos didn't have school for a couple of days one week and only actually went to school a couple of days this last hurricane.  Thankfully, we were missed by both hurricanes, only sustaining some minor damage courtesy of some downed tree branches, but nothing significant enough to warrant a call to our insurance company. Because everything was so out of whack for essentially the last two weeks and part of that time both Kacy and I were sick with a horrible cold/sinus issue, I was able to catch up on some much-needed and much-put off rest.  While it has been in the back of my mind for a while (I'm fairly sure this is always in the back of my mind), I realized that at this time last year we had just recently moved my Dad into the house with us, he wasn't doing so great and I was wondering if he was going to make it to Thanksgiving.  

I don't think I fully comprehend how much this has been weighing on my mind.  Thanksgiving is a little over a month away and this year I have a lot to be grateful for.  It's been a really hard year, but there is so much that I have to be thankful for, especially my Dad still being here.   I keep going back to marking time with milestones - okay, Dad made it to Thanksgiving.  Okay, Dad made it to Christmas, to New Years, to Valentine's Day... We had moments in there that took us back to the hospital.  My Dad is doing loads better now, working on "projects" and making plans.  We weren't making plans last year.  This year we're making real plans.  He's talking about wanting to go camping again, he wants to do stuff, he even talked about possibly going to Disney (Universal is too much for him).   

The fact that the stress is dissipating (it doesn't fully go away) is not helping my sleep any, though.  Did I get too much sleep the past few days?  There was one day that I actually got grumpy because my phone would not stop going off and it was interrupting the sleep that I wanted to get, but I still was able to sleep.   There were some days that I slept until 11am or later!  This after going to bed at a decent hour (around 10pm).  It's frustrating.  My brain goes into overdrive - did I get too much sleep?  From the bags under my eyes, I'm fairly sure that I'm still lacking rest (the cough that won't go away isn't helping either).  I know my schedule is sporked, but I'm thinking... maybe I'll just lean into that?  Why not - I am feeling somewhat productive.  I have a few ideas in my head and I can keep on track by scheduling various emails to go out, etc.  Why not just keep moving and doing when my brain feels like moving and doing?  

It's 2:20am now.  I actually have a headache brewing but I think it's the fact that my eyes are strained by the light of the computer.  I could ease it up if I turned on my desk light.  Not quite ready to do that yet, though.... 

I'm going to keep being productive, though.  I told myself that Monday my hurricane vacation was done and I was going to get moving on everything again.  So, that's what I'm going to do.  I will work on stuff until I'm tired, and then I'll take a nap.  And I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  

So yeah.... take that human construct that is time!