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I woke up this morning and instantly wanted to cry.  I had a dream in which my Dad and I were just hanging out at the barn he had built on my Grandpa's property.  I could smell the grease, dust and mold.  It was almost like I was transported to my childhood; everything smelled so familiar.  

My Dad was downstairs wrenching on one of his old BMW motorcycles and I was upstairs in the hay loft which my Dad used more for storage than anything. I was going through boxes, trunks, and old furniture.  In real life I would be scared to touch things, overthinking the feel of the dust coating everything, and being afraid of mice, snakes, bugs, or anything else my mind could possibly conjure.  I would normally be so scared of being stung or bitten but that wasn't the case.  It was obvious in my brain that I was in a dream. 

I found old ballet costumes from various recitals in a trunk that I offered to Megan so she could play dress up with them (in my dream, my youngest was maybe 5 years old?).  There was an old dinghy hung from the rafters that my Dad and I sailed a few times.  Furniture that I hadn't seen since my parents' divorce lined the walls, collecting dust and looking like mice had gotten to it.  All of this but it still felt comforting.  I showed my Dad these treasures, excited and reminiscing about everything.  He just sat and listened to me talking.  I shared things with my kids, who were also there in the dream, and my Dad just watched and smiled.  

It was a good dream.  

And then I woke up.  I missed my Dad.  I texted Kacy that I was awake and she came to the bedroom and just let me talk.  She let me pour out everything that was in my head and it made me feel better but at the same time it made me miss my Dad that much more. 

Two years ago my Dad was in the hospital. I didn't find out he was in the hospital for a few days.  He didn't want to bother me because Kacy had surgery around the same time.  My Dad never wanted to bother anyone with any of his troubles.   Two years ago, I didn't think my Dad was going to make it to his birthday.  He not only ended up making it to his birthday, but I got another Thanksgiving and another Christmas.  While we didn't get to have the adventures that both he and I talked about, we got to enjoy the time we had together, hanging out, occasionally playing board games, binge-watching some of his favorite old TV shows and also reminiscing about adventures we had. I got to spend more time with my Dad, but I still feel incredibly selfish because I feel like it wasn't enough.