Reflecting on One Year

 

A year ago my I lost one of the most important people in my life - my Dad.  Most girls would say that their Mom is the most important person in their life, and while my Mom was a huge part of my life, most girls would also say that their mom was their best friend.  My Mom was not my best friend and honestly, I am fairly sure she didn't understand me.  

My Dad didn't really understand me either, but he encouraged and allowed me to be myself.  While my Mom always demanded perfection from me, making sure my education was well-rounded, forcing me into activities that I didn't really enjoy my Dad allowed me to play.  My Dad encouraged my imagination, knew that I didn't really appreciate the ballet lessons that I was forced to take, encouraged me to play the piano while trying to make it fun for me despite my Mom's need for me to conform to her idea of how piano and other forms of culture should be appreciated.  My Dad encouraged me to get dirty while my Mom thought getting dirty was a bad thing.  

My Dad was my playmate.  My Dad was my adventure companion.  My Dad actually said he was proud of me, my family and everything that I've been able to accomplish even though it wasn't something that he would have chosen for me.  He was proud that I found my path and not just forgiving but understanding of all the mistakes that I've made.  Children make mistakes.  As a parent myself, I understand that my kids are going to make mistakes.  They need to make mistakes.  Adults need to make mistakes.  It's how we continue to learn.  It's how we continue to grow.  

Last year before he died, even on the day that he died, we were making plans.  He was in the middle of trying to find a way to go back to the Ukraine, which he had visited before the war with Russia started.  He was obsessed with meeting up with his "sweetie."   He had planned to take a plane to Madrid, Madrid to Moldova and then a bus to Ukraine. The day he died we talked about breaking him out of the hospital and heading to Disney to ride our favorite two rides - Pirates of the Carribean and Haunted Mansion.  Dad was all up for it and had he been able to walk without pain, I would have done what I could to ensure his release from the hospital. 

My Dad knew how to follow his whimsy.  I learned to follow mine from him but somewhere along the way I lost that ability.  This year I'm trying to re-learn how to follow it.  Whatever takes my fancy, I'm trying to chase.   I'm trying to find myself again.  I got lost somewhere along the way but the past few months, I've started feeling more like myself.  It's a slow process but I know my Dad would want me to not sit and stagnate.  And I'm trying very hard to honor that.