You can't really ever go home again...

I said goodbye to my Dad's house, finally.  It was not as hard as I thought it was going to be.  I say that, knowing that I look at the pictures on the wall and there is a painting of the house that Marisa made for my Dad before he passed away.  

I am fairly sure that my Dad wanted me and my family to live in that house.  I have to admit that there was a certain amount of romance to that idea... I'm sure he thought it would be a wonderful thing to live in that house with me as a grown adult and my own family there.  Someone to take care of him full time and his grandchildren growing up and going to MCC as well.   

I would be lying if I said the thought had not crossed my mind.  Early on in the whole process of selling it, the thought of moving back to Kentucky with my family (the house was more than big enough for our entire family) crossed my mind and it was discussed between Kacy and myself.  We wouldn't have a house payment, we would manage the rental properties, I would join with the local real estate firm there, probably join Kiwanis (just like my Dad had), even maybe teach a real estate class at the local college where my Dad taught.  It would have been a full circle kind of thing for my life.  

There were several things holding us back though.  Number one was the fact that our youngest got accepted to the local arts academy and is incredibly excited about attending.  We also knew that while we currently live in rural Florida, we have a lot more recreational activities here even if we don't often take advantage of it.  The biggest thing, though, would be the damage to my psyche that I think would occur.  

Moving back to Kentucky is something idealized in my mind.  I dream about the summers that I spent there, the fun that was had sitting by the pool all day with my best friend, my Dad taking me to different activities and going camping and exploring the woods behind the house.  There was no responsibility, no real worries... If I were to go back now, I would feel the weight of my Dad's community legacy and everything he did and people expecting the same from me and while it's a nice thought maybe for those people, it's not necessarily who I want to be.  Would it be easy? Absolutely.  But when have I ever taken the easy route?  

My issues aside, we would also be dealing with the same social stuff in Kentucky that we deal with in Florida.  The political climate would be just as toxic and while I would have the weight of my Dad's repuation helping out and letting people see that trans people aren't as bad as the political influencers make them out to be, I would still be fighting an uphill battle for my family and if I'm going to fight that battle then why don't I do it in the location that I actually want to be in.  

I very much want to live in Florida.  Politics notwithstanding, I love it here.  I love our home, every day we are making it more and more our own. I love the area we live in.  I love the calm and peacefulness of it.  I love all the birds that I hear in the mornings when I get up.  I love sitting on our patio (and not having to worry about bugs because it's caged in) and having a cup of coffee or tea in the morning.  I love sitting outside in the evening and listening to music.  I love hanging out on the back porch of the casita and reading in one of my hammocks.  I love that I have the opportunity to go to the beach whenever I want to.  The sand between my toes at the edge of the water has always been somewhat of a recharge for me.  Could I do that in Kentucky?  Absolutely.  It just wouldn't be the same.  And I honestly don't think that the sunsets could even remotely compare.  

So, I can't really go home again.  At least, not home to Kentucky.   I don't think I will ever not think of Kentucky as home, even though I spent more time living in Indiana than there.  But Kentucky was and is home.  I will definitely visit.  I keep a bank account there, I still have property there (I should say we still have property because my wife is very much a part of that legacy now.), and the true test- I can navigate easily without GPS.  Do I know street names? Not necessarily.  BUT I have landmarks that I can navigate by.  Yes, the town changes a little bit each time I visit.  But it's still very recognizable.  I will always be a small town girl with big dreams. My Dad's legacy is allowing me to pursue those dreams and for that, I will always be grateful.