Birthdays and Beginnings

Today is my wife's birthday. Birthdays for the past few years have been weird. Usually, they're filled with anxiety because her mom will inevitably text just to say hi and it leads to a big discussion as to whether or not she wants to text back.  We have been no-contact with them for several years.  The reasons are plentiful, but the main reason is lack of respect for her, me, and a general lack of disinterest in our children (despite demanding answers as to why their grandbabies deleted them from their social media accounts years ago - y'all know what you did and didn't do).   Their presence just kind of looms on the horizon like a small, dark rain cloud that you know that when it finally does rain, it's going to dump on you.  

Oddly enough, I'm the one that woke up kinda grumpy, though.  I actually woke up around 3:30 this morning.  I stayed in bed reading for a while.  I wanted to see Jack off to school and take his picture because today is his last day of high school.  Monday is graduation practice in the afternoon and Tuesday is graduation in the evening.  Our boy is graduating cum laude and I'm ridiculously proud.  We both are.  He was very much like today is just like any other and thought it was ridiculous that he had to go to school because they weren't doing much of anything today.  Normally, I'd let him skip the last day of school, but since it's his absolute last day of high school ever and they've got Yu-Gi-Oh! club today and he wants to see his friends, he headed out as per usual.  

Yesterday was his last DND club and I sent him with money to buy the club pizza.  He has been playing with the same group for 4 years now.  I made sure to remind him to get phone numbers and emails of friends and maybe they could continue playing online or even have a game night here at home.  Jackson gave me a look and gently reminded me that he was 18 and he is perfectly capable of managing his own friendships.  When Ace graduated from school, I knew they would still see the friends they wanted and would be fine.  We lived in a pretty tight-knit community and had lots of friends back in Indiana.  Here in Florida, I haven't been as social as I was back in Indiana and the culture is very different than it was back "home."  I have to keep reminding myself that the kids are pretty much grown now and have their own friends and they don't need Mom to intervene or set up playdates.  At most, they're going to need a ride if they can't get an Uber or something.   

Jack's graduation has been the source of a lot of feelings lately.  There's a lot of nostalgia, a lot of proud mama moments, a lot of excitement.  There is also a fair amount of fear about how the world is going to shake out for him, how the job market is going to be once he graduates from college (he's pretty settled on going the computer science route, but that can always change), what it's going to be like when he finally does leave the nest (we've got at least another year with him at home if not 2 as he's doing community college for his first two years).  I know my Dad would be so incredibly proud and excited for him and would probably be trying to get a job at the same college where Jack is going so he could get us some sort of break on tuition.  He and Jack always shared a quiet reverence.  I have an image of the two of them sitting on the porch back at the 20 acres that we nicknamed "The Plantation" when Jack was maybe 6 years old, just staring out at the yard, watching the sun go down.  Both of them just kind of sitting back in their chairs and saying "Yep, this is the life."   

My Dad also loved birthdays and made sure we always did something to celebrate.  There would always be a card for Kacy no matter what.  He especially made sure she had something to know that she was loved, especially after the bru-ha-ha with her parents.  If my Dad were here today, we would be celebrating not just the last day of high school, but also Kacy's birthday.  He would probably have already taken a trip to the dollar store down the road and picked up some streamers and a card that would have some sort of ridiculous adult joke.  He defaulted to gift cards the past couple of years, but that's okay.  The fact that he thought of Kacy on her birthday and remembered when it was (he actually had a little slip of paper in his wallet with the whole family's birthday, that still remains there in his wallet to this day, and I have his wallet completely intact the way it was when he passed in a box of "Dad Treasures.") 

I'm going to try and smush the sad feelings and grumpiness down and take a page from Kacy's book for once (she's already dressed and beautiful as per usual) and match her happy mood.  Because it's her birthday.  And it's Jack's last day of school.  We have a lot to celebrate.