A year and a half of learning.

I have not been "myself" in a while.  I know that and readily admit it.  I am not the bouncy, happy-go-lucky Jess that I used to be.  While there are certain moments when that Jess does decide to come out to play (most recently yelling "Bantha poodoo!" at First Order officers at Black Spire Outpost and sticking my tongue out at them after being told to "watch your language!"), for the most part she has been lost in her head, looking for a way to come out.  

For a little while she came out and got massively creative.  She started writing again, getting out of the house, soaking up the sun.  She has also been wanting to do a lot more stuff lately.  She just lacks the motivation.  I lack the motivation. 

Do you remember when you were a kid and there was something that just screamed "you've made it!" For me, it was people who had a swimming pool.  It didn't matter to me if it was above ground or in-ground; if you had a pool, that meant your parents were rich, successful adults.  I now have a beautiful in-ground pool.  I love having a pool.   Last year, at this particular point in the year, putting on a swimsuit felt like too much work for me.  I was in a deep depression.  I would get up, not even bother putting on regular clothes, and then sit on the couch and stare at the walls.  Sometimes, I wouldn't even bother getting out of bed.  Losing my Dad was really really hard on me.  As much as I hate to admit it, losing my Dad was harder than losing my Mom.   I think the reason for that was that with my Mom, I had 4 years to say goodbye.  We knew she had dementia, we knew where it was going.  Months before she passed away she had already forgotten who I was.  With my Dad... The day he passed away, we joked that morning about busting out of the hospital and going to Disney.  I fundamentally knew there were things that my Mom was not going to be able to do, and I was able to make my peace with that.  With my Dad?  We weren't done having adventures yet.  Him dying... I knew he wasn't ready to go and I wasn't ready for him to go, either.  

After he passed, I had to compartmentalize everything and I instantly had to plan for everything.  Unlike my Mom, he didn't leave me instructions.  I had to do a lot of detective work those first few months.  I had to plan his funeral.  I had to clean out his house, settle his estate (which actually took over a year to do).  I discovered there was a lot of deferred maintenance that absolutely needed to get done on his various properties.  There was so much that needed to be done and so much catching up to do and I will admit that I was upset that I was the one that had to do it.  I know, looking back, that my Dad had been going down hill for quite some time.  Visiting him several times over the past couple of years at his house in KY, I giggled at the fact that things were done in a half assed manner, calling it a "dad special" knowing that I would have to take care of it eventually, but then actually being faced with actually having to get things fixed? Finally understanding how much he had just not acknowledged needed to be done?  And I can't even begin to discuss the whole situation finding out about various financial decisions that he made that were absolutely horrible in his remaining years.  There was a lot to clean up.  

I got through it all, because I ultimately had to, but I was and still am pretty burned out.  My real estate business has been suffering because I don't have the headspace to actually get through the things I need to do in order to maintain it.  I feel lost and overwhelmed and unsure where to start.  I wish I had my mentor here to talk me through this, but unfortunately I lost him about 4 years ago and I have yet to connect with someone that aligns with me in that regard.  I really should go and watch the videos he left behind... I could use it right about now. 

So, here I am... I'm still learning.  What works, what doesn't work, what makes me comfortable, uncomfortable.  I'm learning to use my voice again, something that has been tamped down for a while because I didn't want to make anyone (specifically my dad) uncomfortable or upset.  I'm admitting to things that I haven't been able to admit to in years.  I'm working on myself.  I'm trying to teach my kids, as they get older, that it's okay to take a hot minute for yourself and it's better to take that in small increments and set boundaries rather than go-go-go until you completely fizzle out.  

Life is about learning.  I have always known that, but I feel like the lesson finally sank in.