Random thoughts from 3:25am

The following was written at 3:25am.  For a little context, my brain was thinking about this story that I'm writing - a reboot of some self-inserted fan fic I wrote in high school.  It's kind of all over the place, but I wrote it down and found it interesting, so since this is my safe space where I write stuff... Without further ado, my late-night ramblings...

"What do you mean you're making it up as you go?"  I asked. 

"What, did you think we have a plan?"  She asked. "Do you think this is all some carefully outlined story complete with charts and notes on characters?!" She laughed.  "With what time do you think that is happening? We're just making it up as we go!"  

Jess continued typing.

"Life is not carefully crafted and put in an outline.  You can try your best to make things go the way you want, but things rarely pan out the way you think.  I wanted to be a journalist - I'm a fucking realtor.  I'm not a captain.  You're not really a wizard.  This planet does not exist.  It's a way for me to deal with childhood trauma and escape into my own little world- a world my ADHD, autistic brain created.  I filled it with ridiculous elements that the real you started as a joke.  This world is filled with giant ducks instead of a rabbit with sharp pointy teeth.  You fight static cling-ons and evil, anamorphic easter bunnies!  Does any of that make sense?  Realistically? No! It's all fake!  It's all a story that I made up as I went to escape reality.  

Save you?! I can't save you! I can barely save myself!  My Dad is living in my house, dying of congestive heart failure.  If there was some miracle that I could make happen so he would be perfectly fine, the way I was when I was a kid so I could have more time with him or infinity with him then I would take it.  But. I can't save him.  I can't save you.  You don't really exist.  This is why you are fading.  This is why your planet is in trouble.  Just like my dad and my grandpa before him - in a couple of generations no one will remember them.  In a couple of generations, no one will remember me.  All we can do is leave little bits of paper, clues to who and what we are.  That's all we can do.  The question is- what do you want to say?  That you perfectly planned your life?  You followed the rules and did what everyone told you to do, followed the line your parents set forth for you- THEIR life plan for you?  Or are you going to make you own plan?

I choose to wing it.  Just like this story.  Start writing and see where it takes me.  Maybe it will be to some far away planet.  Unlikely, but I can pretend.  I can call it my happy place.  It will be a place where I do everything that I want to do in real life but can't do due to physics, budget, or whatever.  I choose to make my life - real and pretend, as colorful as possible.  I choose to fill it with people I love, funny stories and random adventures.

I know right now sucks.  I know right now I'm stuck doing something that I don't like and don't necessarily want to do.  But I'm going to do it and until I can get out there and actually have those adventures for myself, I'm going to write. And by writing- that allows me to save your planet.  And maybe, just maybe you won't be forgotten.

That's all we are.  We are all fighting to be remembered.  It doesn't matter what we do because only a few of us will be remembered for greatness.  Not everyone gets the opportunity or the option to be remembered.  So why not live it how you want while you're alive? Why try and write someone else's story? It all comes down to worry about yourself.  No one really cares how you lived your life."