Very Big Feelings

 Since Thursday we have been on an emotional roller coaster.  

Things started out with a bang when the cardiologist announced that there are only 2 surgeons in the area that MIGHT do the surgery.  I already knew the odds weren't good - between my Dad's age and other afflictions.  But when the cardiologist told us there were only 2 surgeons in the area that MIGHT do the surgery and even then they may say no?  He would need two bypass grafts, possibly 3, and the surgeon would probably put in a stint in one of the arteries as well. The risk to my Dad is very high and he was very honest that my Dad may not wake up from the surgery and just pass on the table.  

The other option that the doctor suggested is that we keep going as we are, keep taking the medications, add a cholesterol medication to control the blockage, and ensure that it doesn't get worse.   My Dad didn't like the idea of adding more medication to his current daily regimen of 14 pills.  There is a third option that we've talked about and that is to just stop taking all the medication altogether and let the cards fall where they may.  In that particular case, that's when I would have hospice come in and help.  

My Dad waffles between complete and total denial - ostrich head in the sand behavior, to "if I just walk more without my walker," or "if I exercise more, I'll get better."  This afternoon, we were sitting down at the table, and he talked about just letting things go and how he's going to get better, he's going to be able to drive again, get on a tractor and plow a field, build a fence, etc.  We had to once again explain, as we have done so several times over the past few days, that what he wants is not going to happen.  He's not going to get better.  He's going to get worse and worse until one day he just won't wake up. 

This fucking sucks. 

Kacy and I hit the milestone of having been married for 20 years.  Originally, we had planned to go to Galaxy's Edge.  We had plans, or rather dreams, of pretending to be rebel scum and "playing."  Neither of us have been up for celebrating, so we stayed home making the promise that we would go out and do something just the two of us when we're up for it.  I don't know when that will be, though.  Between my Dad, and the political climate of hate towards LGBTQ people, especially trans people, finding joy - even in the day-to-day, has been really hard.  

There are some days when I just don't want to function or I can't function.  Some days are enormously hard for Kacy as well.  There are a lot of times when I feel completely inadequate and can't provide her with the same support she gives me on so many levels.  She reminds me that I do just as much as her and for her as well.  She's just as upset about my Dad as I am.  I've been watching as their relationship develops and I'm so grateful for everything Kacy does for my Dad.  While I mother-hen my Dad to death, Kacy encourages him and keeps the mood elevated when it starts to go down.  At the same time, Kacy's way of communicating with him and getting things through to him is so incredibly gentle.  I almost think she'd be a great nurse if she didn't have such a horrible aversion to blood.  

So, yeah, that's where we are.  Processing very big feelings.  We are nowhere near done yet and I don't know if we will get to the end of processing them.  We just keep moving forward.  We keep moving towards what we know is coming.  We're not exactly happy about it, but there's not a whole heck of a lot we can do otherwise.