Jittery

You know when you have that feeling like something's going to happen?  Depending on the severity of the feeling, I usually feel jittery and on edge.  I went to bed feeling like that and woke up feeling worse.   I can't stop moving... My toes are tapping on the ground, I'm bouncing in my seat.  I feel unsettled.  

I hate this feeling. 

It was a good weekend, too.  I got to meet my third mom (I just realized that I have a lot of "mom" figures in my life... #feelingblessed) who has one of the most interesting lives I've ever heard about.  I re-connected with one of my best friends, Mickie, who I hadn't talked to in a while and heard about how her son graduated high school.  She sent me a picture and in my head I still see him as this adorable 7 year old, running around outside, diving into leaves during the fall.  

I also sent off a letter to someone I considered a friend but lied to me about everything under the sun. (I've blogged about her before.) Maybe that's what I'm waiting for? Some sort of retaliation there?  

Kacy seems to think it's me and my Dad's impending trip to Kentucky.  I actually parred down on my schedule this week, because I knew I was going to want to spend some time before my birthday doing something with the fam, but also because I wanted to prep everything for the trip.  I'm also taking a quick trip up to South Bend while I'm up north to deal with some stuff and while I'd love Kacy to come with me it's just not working out this time.  With Dad on officially on Hospice now, his team here is coordinating with a team in Kentucky while he's there.   I feel better knowing that we have a team in place in both places - someone to check in on him while I'm up in South Bend.   I find it almost funny, in one way or another, that I have desperately wanted a break from dealing with him and now I'm going to have a short one and I am all worried about leaving him alone.  Even though I know he definitely won't be alone and will be well taken care of.   He wants to get back home as much as I want him to get back home.  My mind also keeps reminding me that this could be the last trip he takes home, too.  

He has been mad at me for the past few days.  The tension in the house between us has been palpable.  I think that he thinks we are giving up on him, but the truth is I would love it if my Dad would be around for more than he's probably got, but I also logically know that his heart is only working at 25%, so yeah... I was joking with him the other day that he would get to choose his birthday present.  I told him he could choose either a nice outdoor rocking chair or a stripper for a couple of hours.  He laughed at the idea of hiring a stripper.  Yes, the stripper thing is more of something that my Uncle Sport would enjoy, but getting Dad to laugh was something that was important to me.  It made me feel better.  I don't think he knows exactly how serious I was, though.  LOL. 

In other news, the casita is very nearly done.  Today, we are putting on the outside doorknob and the water heater is being finally hooked up so we can call for final inspections.  Hopefully, by the time Dad and I return, it will be all ready for him.  I'm looking forward to him having his own space.  It will be nice for all parties, methinks.  

I'm still bouncing my feet.  I had Kacy microdose me, but I've still got a fair amount of anxiety going on.  Today, I'm going to try my best to take it easy.  I don't know if I'll succeed, but whatevs.  I can't control everything, I can only control my immediate surroundings.   I'll take some deep breaths and keep going.  It's all I can do right now.