Mind Shift

Yesterday Kacy and I met up with one of our besties, Marisa, for breakfast.  It's been months since I met up with Marisa and since Kacy and I wanted to wrap up our Christmas shopping.  It has been hard to get into the spirit of the season with everything going down, starting to finally recover from burnout... The other day, for the first time in I don't know how long, I actually had a little dance party for myself and blasted music in the living room.  I think it's the first time since we moved into our current home that I've actually done that... We've been in our current house for 3 years. 

I've always had to come to things myself.   People close to me- my parents, Kacy, Marisa, other close friends, they have pointed out to me that I have to slow down, take a step back, recover, and trust the process.  I am impatient. I tend to be impulsive and I can't count the number of times that I've joked about how our family motto should be "Jump and figure it out on the way down."  I used to want a tattoo with an umbrella that read "In Omnia Paratus" (Ready for Anything) not just as a tribute to one of my all-time fav. shows, Gilmore Girls, but also because it resonated so deeply with me.  I have always been good at coming up with out-of-the-box and sometimes last-minute solutions to whatever issue I've been challenged with.   Do I handle them gracefully?  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  It honestly depends on the situation.   For years I have always said you have to work at creating the world you want.  It's not just me saying it, either, it has been tons of people out there around me telling me the same thing.  Parrotting back what I often say to others.  But it has honestly been a case of me not practicing what I preach.  I'm not quite when the shift happened, but what happened at breakfast yesterday was a very clear sign to me that I'm on my way to doing that.  

We were sitting at our table just chatting about life in general and a guy sits down at the table across from the one we were at.  I noticed he was alone and a few moments after the waitress brought him a glass of water he closed his eyes, his hands in his hands.  He didn't look good.  He looked defeated.  Marisa and Kacy were in the middle of a conversation that while I was occasionally chiming in, it didn't really involve me much, and my brain just flashed.  I stood up, kissed Kacy on the cheek and said "I gotta trust my gut on something."  I walked across the aisle to the guy's table.  

I have had a hard time trusting my gut lately. We have dealt with a lot since moving to Florida, and while we mostly love it here (with the exception of the politics, but I don't think there is anywhere in the US that we would be okay with the current political climate), I constantly question myself, wondering if we made the right decision moving here.  We are here, though, and it's way past time to practice what I preach and create not just the life that I want, but really help build my community.  Building community is 100% in my wheelhouse.  I've always been the type of person to talk to people wherever I go.  Whether I'm in line at the grocery store, in the waiting room at the doctor's office, wherever - I am always talking to people and possibly making friends.  The guy at Crackerbarrel didn't see me coming... His eyes were closed.  I leaned down and very quietly asked him "Are you okay?"

I didn't want to draw attention, scare or freak him out.  I just wanted to see if he was okay.  He opened his eyes, surprised that someone was talking to him and I could see the questions turning around in his head.  Who is this girl? What does she want? What the hell is going on?  I very quickly explained that I saw him sitting there and that he looked like he was having a tough time.  I added that I just wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help.  I'm pretty sure it was disarming to him if anything.  

As everything turned over in his head, his body language changed.  His shoulders, which had been tight with tension, you could very clearly see it release allowing to fall and relax.  He smiled and kind of laughed?  It was the type of laugh that you let out when you're surprised about something.  Like "Huh! I'll be..." 

He explained that he was dealing with some stuff, an unexpected surgery - very quickly assuring me that it was not life threatening, but somehow I felt like there was more to it than that.  I didn't want to push.  Everyone has their own story and you need to give everyone time to tell their own story when they're ready.  Why would you tell your story to a stranger anyway?   I introduced myself, shaking his hand.  He introduced himself - Jerry.  He told me a little more of his story.  I asked him if he wanted a hug.  He gave me this look; I'm not sure it if was curiosity or if he thought I was crazy.  After a minute he said 'You know what, I would like a hug."  

I gave him a hug, told him whatever was going on I hoped it would be okay and then he started telling me more of his story.  We were interrupted by the waitress bringing his food and I told him that he should enjoy his food and that I hoped he had a Merry Christmas or whatever holiday he celebrated (I try to be inclusive and respectful of other peoples holiday traditions this time of year).  

He finished his food before our table did and as he got up to leave he smiled. I smiled back and told him Merry Christmas again.  I will probably never see him again, but I feel like maybe I made his day a little better.  I hope I made his day a little better.  There are a lot of times, especially the past few years, where it feels like the world is on fire and doesn't make sense.  Everything feels upside down, people are cranky and mean with each other.   Do I feel cranky and mean sometimes? Yes.  Are there moments where I want to cuss people out? Yes.  Do I cuss people out? Yes.  But it doesn't help anything.  It may make me feel better in the moment, but I always feel more upset afterwards.  It comes down to me fundamentally not understanding how in 2024, very quickly rolling into 2025, people can have so much hatred and anger towards each other.  

I'm tired of feeling cranky.  I'm tired of looking at the news and seeing nothing but problems when there are a handful of people out there that could take the wealth they've accumulated and do something good for the world.  Yet, here we are and it seems like all the people at the top of the pile want to divide.  When in the history of the world has dividing and conquering done any kind of good for anyone?  Why would any person want to cause another person harm just because they don't agree with how they live, what they look like, or even who they love?  How does what I do in the privacy of my own home  effect anyone else but me and my family?  

The past few weeks I've slowly been changing my attitude.  I have been afraid to go out for multiple reasons. I have sequestered myself away from the world, not being a part of anything.  I gave away all of my "spoons" and had none left for myself.  I'm starting to find the spoons and I'm starting to be able to do again.  I'm actually making new friends, I'm going out and doing things with these friends, and for the first time in a really long time (YEARS), I actually had a little dance party in the living room.  I hadn't had living room dance party since the beginning of Covid when we were on lockdown.  The change is subtle, but it's there. 

I know 2025 will probably be the biggest dumpster fire the world has ever seen, but I am vowing right here and now that I won't add to it.  I will do my very best to put more good into the world.   Shit may be hard, but I can't hide away under the covers, no matter how much I want to.  I have to stand up for myself, my family, my community.  I may not feel like my voice counts for anything, but it honestly does and I have to keep saying my truth.  I have to keep standing up for what I believe is right and good and show people that helping people, not taking things away from them, not adding to the strife in the world, is better as a whole than what is currently going on.  We've had hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution and we should know better.  We should do better.  I'm going to do my very best.