No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Well, maybe that's not true. I think that whatever algorithm that includes women of a certain age - it's prepping us for the Spanish Inquisition and by that, I mean perimenopause. Perimenopause is not taught about in school. It was not talked about by my Mom and judging from other friends that I have in the same age range? They weren't talked to about it either.
I remember sitting in health class in 6th grade and 7th grade. The girls and boys were separated, permission slips had to be signed by our parents, and the topic of one particular day was going to be the big talk about the birds and the bees. I also remember having gotten "the talk" from my Mom and my cousin Ana when I was around 9. The talk circled around them reading a book (the illustrations I will never forget) about "special hugging" and when a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much. Both my cousin and my Mom kept erupting with giggling and me, being the undiagnosed AuDHD kid who wanted information didn't understand what was so funny. By that age (remember, I was 9 when I got the "talk") I had already been asking questions like "where did I come from" for a few years. I remember sitting in front of a mirror (there are pictures) and wondering if I was an alien, could Madonna be my biological mother, and because I was a huge fan of the movie Annie (my parents took me to see it several times in both English and Spanish by the time I was 6), did they have half a locket and a note stashed away for me somewhere. I was always curious as to which biological parent I looked more like (which I much much later found out that I look a hell of a lot like my biological Mom, Debbie and we are very similar in personality as well, but I do have certain features that are very much my biological father as well - something that my son Jack shares with me and Jim, my bio-dad). I never really had the urge to go looking for answers though. I was always a happy kid.
But even as a happy kid, not really wanting for anything, I had no idea the changes that my body would undergo as I grew up. They prep you puberty, they tell you you're body is going to go crazy sprouting hair in different places; I remember them telling the girls in 7th grade that hormones were going to make us "emotional." I am under the firm impression that my health teacher at the time would have made a horrible sales person. She was a perfectly fine teacher, but when it came to explaining periods and all the stuff that entails actually turning into a physically "mature" adult? I can't help but laugh. And maybe cry a little.
I started having the talk with my oldest about puberty around 5th grade. I planned a day where I took Ace out to the South Bend Chocolate Company, we sat down and talked about stuff like that and I didn't press it too much. My theory was to give an overview of what was coming and then sprinkle in stuff as we navigated those particular waters. We did the same thing with Jack and Megan. Well, Jack I wasn't so much involved in because I didn't know the particulars of boys and puberty until much later and I thought that Kacy would be better at that chat.
Now, however, as I navigate perimenopause, I am keeping all three of my kids informed because they will undoubtedly have to deal with a woman in perimenopause at some point in their life and I'm trying my best to raise my children to be empathetic to different types of issues. Also, being a complete nerd, I discovered that the Monty Python sketch about the Spanish Inquisition was great way to explain it. So, without further ado: The Spanish Inquisition (Monty Python Style) vs Perimenopause!
Right off the bat, you have the surprise factor. The Spanish Inquisition: "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!" It swoops in, unannounced, flipping the script on what you though life would be like. Perimenopause: No one really expects it to hit when it does, either. One minute you're coasting, everything is great, the next your hormones (horror-mones) decide to pull an Inquisition-level ambush.
Both use unpredictable tactics. The Inquisition- creative interrogation methods? Check. The unexpected? Double check. Perimenopause- Hot flashes, mood swings, insomnia. Your body tends to invent new ways to keep you guessing, sometimes on the daily.
Emotional turmoil: With the Inquisition fear and anxiety reigned supreme. In Perimenopause: you're crying at random television commercials or TikToks and rage-cleaning your kitchen the next. Emotional stability? Not in this tribunal. You feel like you're going crazy and you have no idea why, which makes everything worse. ESPECIALLY if you're neuro-spicy to begin with.
Overwhelming Pressure: With the Inquisition, the weight of judgement was intense and you felt trapped with no way out. Perimenopause? The weight of your favorite jeans not fitting anymore? Equally suffocating. Add societal expectations (or at least perceived societal expectations) and you've got yourself a modern-day trial.
Unwanted heat: The Inquisition was famous for torture chambers not exactly known for their cool breezes. Perimenopause you get the joys of waking up in drenched sheets from night sweats and an added bonus of hot flashes that pop up when you least expect it. It's like your internal thermostat gets set at medieval sauna.
Both the Inquisition and Perimenopause health with unclear timelines as well. At the time no one was sure when or how it would be ended. Eventually Perimenopause ends, too, and thankfully you don't have to go through Perimenopause for the 356 years that the Inquisition lasted. I can't even imagine having to deal with Perimenopause for that long... I shudder even thinking about it.
With most everything, I try and add a little humor to things. I have long said that humor is my defense mechanism, but I have also found that if I'm cracking jokes about certain things I'm about two steps from completely being snarky and more than a little mean. I was not prepared for nearly half the things I have already gone through, have done most of the research on my own because many doctors out there just don't listen to issues like this.
So many women are diagnosed with anxiety, which I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression a few years ago (full disclosure: I do have both and am on medication for those) and there are a lot of comorbidities between anxiety and perimenopause. I get a triple dose because I am also AuDHD and well, yeah... some days are better than others and I'm still learning to exist with everything. Learning my limits has been huge and I still push my boundaries quite frequently. My biggest freakout came recently when my period was 12 days late. I knew for a fact I wasn't pregnant but it was still ridiculously disconcerting. I knew it was coming, but I wasn't prepared for the degree that it finally showed up. I had a rather embarrassing first day at my new brokerage when I actually bled through my pad, underwear and jeans and had to leave halfway through the day to clean up and change pants. I hadn't had an issue like that since I was 14 and I bled through my clothes during my earth science class freshman year of high school. This time, though, there were no tears. I just picked up, drove home and changed. I was more pissed off and that was because I thought I had prepared myself against that particular issue. It just went to show that even trying to plan for something like this doesn't always work out.
I cannot stress enough the need to advocate for yourself. I saw two different doctors that both told me that my "ovaries worked fine" and that I wasn't in menopause. I argued with them saying I wasn't in menopause, I was in PERIMENOPAUSE. All the signs and symptoms were there, I was the "right" age for things to start changing, I was putting on weight (after having lost 50 pounds), my focus - even with ADHD meds sucked, I felt like I was on a constant emotional swing where one minute I'd be up and happy and the next I'd be crying hysterically. The funny part about the whole thing is that I always told myself that I wasn't going to do hormone replacement therapy. I wanted to grow old gracefully, becoming a very cool and wise old crone. Now, I don't mind so much being a crone, but I don't want to grow old gracefully. I take weekly hormone injections and I have felt more mentally stable since I started. I feel like after dealing with everything that was thrown at me mentally and emotionally the past few years, I am in a place where I can start moving forward again and getting back to the person that I was before I turned into a hormonal lunatic. What I still don't understand, though, is why doctors (especially a lot of female doctors) don't listen to women when they're trying to tell their doctors that they fundamentally know something is wrong with them. While I have typically seen men ignore going to the doctor as long as they can possibly stand it, women will go when there is just an inkling of something going wrong. And then, so many women are told "oh, there's nothing wrong." They are often misdiagnosed, ignored, told it's all in our head, maybe we just need to relax or take a vacation.
I feel like I was lucky when I lived in Indiana. I had doctors that knew me, that listened. Here in Florida I dread going to the doctor simply because they're like "you need to lose weight," or "cut back on the red meat." I lost the weight, I gained it back, and while I love a good steak that is a meal that is few and far between and I exist mainly on chicken and veg because I can't afford steak all the time. Going on HRT has been wonderful and has made me feel as close to normal as I have felt in a very long time and the only reason I'm on it is because I bypassed my primary care physician and discussed this with a specific doctor that has an amazing channel on TikTok! That, in itself, feels so ridiculous - like why am I getting medical advice from social media? Something just doesn't feel right about that and yet... her advice has been working and I've been feeling better overall.
It has been YEARS since I have actually wanted to go out and do things and be social and now, I'm feeling pretty damn good about stuff. I'm looking forward to going out, I'm making friends for the first time in a while, I'm trying new things. The world may feel like it's burning around me, but at least my hot flashes are under control, few and far between and I'm not wanting to cut people off at the knees anymore. And thankfully, it didn't take over 300 years to fix me.
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