Conversations in My Head

The following is a conversation I had entirely in my head. 

"Do you ever miss being able to sleep?"  I asked. 

"Absolutely.  I miss being able to fall asleep... And I miss being able to stay asleep even more." I answered.

"Ah, yes, the good ol' days when I had no responsibilities and the ability to stay up late and then sleep till noon, get up and do it all over again without consequences." I mused.  "Remember that one time when you were sleeping in, Mom was at some concert at Notre Dame and a van full of your friends stopped by knocked on your window and you let them in?"

"Oh yeah, that was dumb.  Why did you let them in?" I asked. 

"I have no idea, it seemed like a great idea at the time."  I was refering to a Saturday sometime in the 90s, probably during my junior year when my friends showed up and rather than ignoring them and going back to sleep after being rudely awakened by their knocking on my bedroom window I got up and let them into the house.  I remember my friend Cassie even asking me why I had let them in.  I'm fairly sure I gave them the same "it seemed like a good idea" spiel on that day too.  They had been doing some sort of community service day at the high school, cleaning up a park or something and I had chosen to skip that particular activity and sleep in.  

"I really miss sleeping in."  I sighed heavily. 

"You know what I miss even more?  I miss falling asleep easily."  I said.

"But did you ever fall asleep easily?  I honestly don't remember."

"You know what I do remember? I remember being awake most nights way past when Mom and Dad went to sleep, well after I was tucked in, and falling asleep with the flashlight in my hand while reading a book."

"Oh yeah. Good times.  Remember that one flashlight? You took it to camp one time.  It was heavy and I think made out of aluminum or some metal.  It actually belonged to Dad, but you kind of glommed onto it because you thought it looked like a lightsaber."  My brain was fully awake and churning now. 

"Damn skippy.  That was an awesome flashlight.  Worked really well but used lots of batteries. The big kind too.  I think the batteries were what made it heavy.  When I'd use it to read, I'd always try and find a way to prop it up somehow because my arms would get tired from holding it." My mind drifted back to the flashlight.  "I remember tying one of those yarn ribbons to this loop that it had."

"Yeah!  That was where it would attach to your belt under a Jedi robe!" My brain was kicking into high gear, churning out the memories. 

"You didn't have a Jedi robe, though."  I reminded myself.  

"No, but I did have a vampire cape that I cut the big neck part off of and pretended it was a Jedi robe." I argued.

"If you think about it, that's kinda silly. You would have been more like a sith in a black cape..." Me pretending to be a Jedi in a vampire cape was more about the fact that I didn't like wearing the color brown and only having access to a vampire cape rather than a brown Jedi robe.  I wondered if a Jedi robe would have been a good thing to trick or treat in and then laughed thinking it would be a terrible idea here in Florida.  Back in Indiana it wouldn't be so bad, especially if it was a snowy Halloween as I could remember quite a few but our first Halloween in Florida (and all the ones that have since followed) was hot, humid and ended up with me taking a shower after trick-or-treating.  

"I want to go back to sleep.  I hate these cat-nap things and I hate that I wake up after these cat-nap things and my brain is going a billion miles an hour." I complained.

"I am in full agreement with you.  On top of that, I hate the fact that I can't bounce back like I used to."  Now, a memory of me begging my Mom to let me go to an REM concert in the middle of the week, on a school night, popped into my head.  I begged her to let me go and she actually did.  I told her that I wouldn't complain about being tired the next day, that I would go to school, and would do whatever she wanted me to do after school no complaints as well.  I was actually amazed she let me go.  

I went to school the next day as promised.  The friends that went with me to the concert had wisely stayed home and slept.  Me? I had a chance to catch a quick nap during health class right after lunch.  To be fair, where that particular class room was located was very close to the pool and pool heaters and we happened to be watching a movie that day (small miracles, I say).  The room was usually way too warm, humid, had no windows and when our teacher would put on a movie it was safe to assume that half the class took a nap.  My brain likes to theorize that it being health class and all, maybe our teacher knew that the room was condusive to naps and would allow naptime to occur on a fairly regular basis?  Or perhaps that teacher was just as tired as we were at that point and let us get away with napping.  He probably even had an alarm clock set because once those lights were off, you couldn't see anything in that room.  

"If I remember correctly, they even had the tiny window on the door covered." My health-class-nap-time theory was slowly forming in my head.  But then I was distracted by an itch on my back and I looked around my desk for my back scratcher.  It was not in it's usual spot and that annoyed me to a certain extent.  I remembered that I had put it in my purse the other day and wondered if was worth getting up and walking the 10-15 feet to retrieve my purse and thus my back scratcher.  

"Do you really want to fiddle with the buckle on the purse in the middle of the night?"  I asked.

"Not really."  I decided, settling for a slightly bent red glitter straw that was sitting on my desk.  "Note to self: put in sink so this can get washed."  Could I use it again in my cup? Sure.  But it's been sitting on my desk for a couple of days and I am imagining dust somewhere in it that would contaminate my drink so I use it to reach the scratch that I couldn't reach and set it back on my desk.  I'll take it to the kitchen later. 

It is at this time that I contemplate taking another sleeping aid to try and get back to sleep but am fighting myself because I have this fear of becoming dependent on them.  While my Doctor said I could take up to two pills a night (they are very very low dosage), I hate taking them.  I am scared to not be able to have them if I need them, but I don't want to take them because I don't want to get addicted.  Just say no did it's job as far as scaring me about what addiction can do to a person.  Fun stuff! (That was sarcasm.)

I decide to finish writing and give my mind a break by reading or doom scrolling.  Reading would be the better decision for sure, but doom scrolling seems like it could be easier.  We'll just have to see what happens next....