"Take a nap," they said. "It'll be fine," they said.

If you told my late teens/early 20s self about how tired I would be in my 40s, she'd probably laugh her ass off and not believe a word you've said.  

She would probably tell you the story of "The Great Ani Difranco Weekend" which lead her and her good friends Matt and Kimberly on a sleep-deprived adventure in which no one got more than a couple of hours of sleep throughout a weekend that included such revelry as going to an Ani Difranco concert in Indianapolis, deciding to drive to Terre Haute in the middle of the night (2 hours from Indy) to crash at Indiana State University with friends, driving back to Kentucky to pick up another friend (I'm looking at you Jen!), driving 4 hours in a cramped Plymouth hatchback to the outskirts of St. Louis to stay with Jen's family so we could go to Six Flags and then all the driving back to various colleges (Matt to Purdue, Kimberly to University of Indianapolis and me back to Kentucky).  She would tell you about how it wasn't a holiday weekend or anything like that but she still managed to get to class the day after she dropped everyone off (after having driven roughly 10 hours dropping everyone off in their right places).   

She would also conveniently leave out the fact that she purposefully didn't schedule any classes for Monday mornings because she knew herself better and could sleep in.  Couple that with some caffeine, and I was golden.   Now, in my 40s, specifically right at this moment, my sleep schedule is a mess, and staying up all night doesn't reset anything.  It just makes me cranky and leaves me in a fog that can linger for days.  

For the first time, when I do sleep, I'm starting to wake up "gitchy."  There are aches and pains almost on the daily and perimenopausal insomnia is real! I can't really remember the last time I slept for more than a few hours at a time. Sleep deprivation hits harder, recovery from anything takes longer, and the clock of adulthood just keeps ticking... You've got responsibilities! Tik tok, kid! You're not in your 20s anymore!  The worst part? No one ever prepared me for this at all.  

Ah, but there is another side of the coin... Being in my 40s is kind of awesome, too.   For starters (and after years of on-going therapy), I'm way more forgiving of myself now than I was when I was in my 20s.  I don't beat myself up over mistakes the way I used to in my younger years.  Instead, I'm learning to treat myself with kindness, patience and I recognize that growth is an ongoing process that can be messy af, too.   Almost every day I feel like I'm re-discovering pieces of myself that I might have ignored or pushed aside in my 20s and 30s. 

I get the chance to embrace a long-forgotten hobby like writing, or fall down a rabbit hole of a new passion.  Or maybe I get a fresh perspective on life!  I'm learning more and more about who I am and how to communicate better. That's pretty awesome.  

Yes, being in your 40s does come with some challenges - my sleep definitely being one of them- but it also brings a deeper self-awareness and acceptance that makes our annual trek around the sun worthwhile.  Are things as shiny and new as they were in my 20s?  No, but that's okay.  While I like the new stuff, I also have a deep appreciation for the more comfortable, well-worn (not to mention oversized) stuff.  I am a lot more comfortable in my skin now than I used to be and I don't feel the need to impress everyone I come across.  Would I like to? Of course! But do I care if I don't?  Nope! I have absolutely no problem wearing a unicorn onesie out and about to do some shopping.  Do I do it often? No, I live in Florida.  I would slowly roast to death.  I said I'm comfortable with myself, not unstable.  Well, okay, maybe I'm a little unstable?  That's okay - trying to re-learn myself and finally learning to create boundaries.  

So, here's to embracing the chaos, the exhaustion, and the unexpected joys of being in my 40s.  I hope you get to, too.