Just... Damned.

 When you are no-contact with a member of your family, there is no winning in any scenario and the game is not just shitty, but rigged 100%.  You want that family member (or members) to reach out because you do miss them, but at the same time you know that if they reach out it could end up being just this giant pain in your ass where you don't really know how to handle the situation.  

So many things go through your head- are they sorry and ready to have a conversation about how their actions and words hurt?  If they are ready to apologize, do they actually want to have that conversation and start fixing the problems or do they want to just sweep it under the rug and ignore the issues that you brought up in the first place?  Then, the possibility opens up that if they want to sweep it away, do you allow them to preserve what little relationship you may have, attempting to move forward because family is the most important thing (or at least that's what they've drilled into you your whole life even though they also drilled in "actions are louder than words" and their actions have been far from, well, pleasant.). That's a whole other ball of wax that makes my head spin. 

Conversly, if they don't or didn't text is it a good thing?  Do you breathe a sigh of relief because they didn't ruin your birthday or whatever special occasion you were building up in your head (in this case a birthday), because you were worried that they were going to ruin your day? Do you still feel like they were a dark cloud over the day because the possibility existed?  Personally, I prefer to send someone a letter and let it all out, get rid of some of the bile that is sitting in the back of my mind, and let them know that is the last time I'm going to ever speak to them.  If they want to think I'm going to contact them, let them go right ahead, but just so you know- once I am personally done with you and have told you I'm personally done with you, you will never hear from me again.  

Unfortunately, the situation my wife is in, she didn't do the whole "I'm done with you," thing and the possibility of certain people reaching out... it still hangs over us on certain days (mainly her birthday and then occasionally on Christmas).  A few years ago we set clear boundaries as far as what we wanted as far as maintaining a relationship.  The bare minimum for us was maybe a 5 minute phone call (we probably would have settled for a text) with a happy birthday message for our kids, just letting them know that they were thinking about them.  Alas, we were told that was far too much of an ask and after a few more arguments (well, them arguing and Kacy attempting to hold them accountable for their actions), we were rebuffed.  

She has gotten texts on her birthday the past couple of years, which she returns with a simple thank you and then there is radio silence.  The first time it happened, it sent her into a tail spin.  The second time, we were better prepared.  The third time, she said thank you but was playing a conversation in her head about what she really wanted to say and was both prepared to either come back with questions as to why they continued to send the birthday text when it was obvious that it was a ploy for control over a situation of which they have none or possibly just ignore it all together. 

At this point, I want to make it very clear that at no point in time has she ever blocked any of the people we are no-contact with. I have blocked them, our children have blocked them, but she has never blocked them.  She has had the same phone number for over a decade now and while she is not on social media at all, they could reach out to her if they wanted. Unfortunately, they think they're right and that she has something to apologize for.  She doesn't.  They may say that I have something to apologize for because of two very nasty letters that I sent, but I'm not apologizing for being completely fed up with their collective behavior and at the time 17 years of them talking behind my back and even trying to get my wife to leave me at one point in time (if they're reading this blog - betcha didn't know I knew about that, huh?). 

I have learned to be very protective of my peace and I am very protective of my family.  My Dad was big on family and how you should treat them and he fully embraced Kacy more than her own family did.  Did they have misunderstandings? Absolutely, but they talked them through.  There was never any judgement from my Dad.  My Dad was supportive in a way that surprised both Kacy and me.  I really miss that.  I know Kacy misses that, too.  

Waiting for the text or phone call or whatever from that no-contact part of the family?  It just reminds me of what a rich fantasy life my brain has.  I would hate them no matter what, even if they liked puppies.  I would sit there and say "Oh, those bastards! Can you believe it?  They like puppies! What the fuck?!" There is nothing they can do, in my opinion, that is right, good, and makes amends for their behavior.  They're damned if they do and damned if they don't.  SO yeah, they're just... Damned.