The Entertainment Director Needs a Break.
For the past week, I've been really concentrating more on work and less on keeping my Dad entertained. My Dad, who is understandably tired of watching TV, reading and pretty much doing nothing all day, doesn't make any motion to keep himself entertained at all. Most days, the tv doesn't get turned on until the evening when I change from "work clothes" to pjs and turn it on myself. I'm more of a Parks and Rec girl and while my dad has been enjoying the show, he's more of a Magnum PI kind of guy.
Now, don't get me wrong. Magnum P.I. is quality tv. I used to love sitting on my Dad's lap watching it when I was a kid. My problem is the fact that I always appear to be the one who is attempting to entertain my dad. He seems to be incapable of entertaining himself, occasionally walking outside and sitting at the end of the drive way, walking to the end of the pool and back and then parking himself on the chairs by the pool, or just sitting in his chair, staring at I have no idea what.
More and more, lately, I've been hiding away for longer lengths of time just so I can have some breathing room. Kacy and I have been going to bed earlier just so we can get some alone time and watch something we want to watch in the comfort of our own bedroom. Our lives are not our own. They revolve around an 82 year old man who less than a year ago was capable of driving from Kentucky to Florida no problem.
I'm frustrated. I'm not mad, I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that my Dad doesn't want to do anything. I'm frustrated that the stuff that I would normally do with my dad (museums, the zoo, whatever out and about) he can't handle because he gets tired so easily and when he's tired he's grumpy. I'm frustrated because everything I do has to be scheduled around him and I'm especially frustrated since now that I have a friend that is coming over weekly to play a Star Trek DND game with me and Kacy (we're trying to recruit more players), that my Dad complains that my friend "talks to much" and asks "what the hell is he trying to sell?" I explain over and over it's a game and that we're enjoying playing it, that the point of the game is to tell a story but he doesn't get it. I know he probably doesn't mean to, but it's like everything that I want to do is stupid. I feel that way because of the way he acts.
This afternoon, he wants me to find a movie to watch. He says put on what I want to watch. First thought? I would have put on Sixteen Candles. I've been in the mood to watch it. My Dad's choice? It's on right now - Flags of Our Fathers. You can take the history teacher out of the classroom... Ha! My dad got up and went to the bathroom before it started, I paused, and when he came back I turned it back on for him and walked away.
I have given him the remote, explained how to ask Siri for help, and it's like he just doesn't want to be bothered. It's like my purpose in life now is to entertain him and I really feel like that's not fair. I haven't been on a date with my wife in months now. It sucks. I want my life back. And at the same time, I feel like the most horrible person on the planet every time I even think something like that. I hear my Mom's voice in my head telling me I'm selfish and I should be thankful that he's here with us. I am thankful he's still here with us. And honestly, there is nothing wrong with needing a break every so often, right? I say that like I'm asking permission - maybe I am. I'm really tired of asking for permission, though. I'm really tired and I need a break.