Buenas Noches, Muchachos!

Going to bed at 46 is significantly harder than it was when I was younger.  Well, I say that, but if I really think about it, I've always had a hard time falling asleep.   But, I digress!  You'd think as an adult  (kids- pay attention, this is some valuable insight into what your parents deal with) that because your day is so busy with work, making various appointments, indoor and outdoor chores... You would naturally be inclined to think that after putting in a hard day of adulting that one would (or could) simply be able to climb in bed and drift off into dreamland.  

WRONG!

Falling asleep instantly feels like a pipe dream.  In fact, the few times I have fallen asleep anywhere close to instantly was thanks to some Ambien prescribed to me in a very specific quantity because I was also in what is called prodromal labor (you're in active labor but it's not going anywhere) at the time and had already been contracting every 10 minutes and my midwife was like "Girl, you gotta get some sleep!"  I still, nearly 14 years later, can recall the weird and vivid dreams that I had.  It was some really fucked up shit.  

These days, I climb into bed, realize I have to go to the bathroom, get out of bed, visit the wazz palace, usually end up brushing my hair (internally bitching about the fact that I have an inch of grey regrowth in my hair that needs to be addressed), feel like my legs are cramping because it's close to that time of the month and I've got a crazy amount of anxiety, slather my legs in bengay, crawl back into bed where my wife comments that I "smell minty", roll over, open my book app, and hopefully will fall asleep with my phone perched precariously against my pillow.  Once I do finally drift off to sleep, I will invariably wake up when my phone either a) falls and hits me in the face or b) falls between the bed and headboard, making a really loud noise.  At that point, I'll pray that it's still hooked up to my charger so I can fish it out easier.  

I wish I could remember nap time.  You would get your afternoon snack of animal crackers and chocolate milk and your teacher would tell you to lay down and you'd drift off to sleep.  They'd wake you up half an hour later and you'd be all refreshed.  My Mom used to take naps every day.  I don't know how she did it.  If I lay down and take a nap as an adult, I don't wake up refreshed.  I wake up discombobulated several hours later (because I have never been able to nap for half an hour) and have a hard time going back to sleep.  

I often wonder if my lack of ability to nap is AuDHD related.  I have always required at least 8 hours of sleep a night.  I used to be able to sleep in with the best of them.  I also used to skew my sleeping later.  I would always be a night owl, sneaking into the computer room, praying my Mom didn't hear me dialing up AOL in the middle of the night.  That was in high school, of course.  I remember being little and my parents would tuck me in and as soon as the door was closed, I would reach for my flashlight and the book I had hidden under my pillows and hide under the covers reading.  My parents got wise to this pretty quickly, but would only take away my flashlight and reading material ever so often when they deemed that I was in need of more rest.  Half the time, if they did that, I would sneak into my closet, turn on the light in there and read.  

Whoa.  I think I just figured out why my Dad didn't want to put lights in any of my closets in the houses he built going forward... Funny how your brain works!

We are taught that bedtime is a good thing.  We have our bedtime routine: bath, brush teeth, pajamas, read, then sleep.  I tried to impart that to my kids.  I used to be such a stickler for the specific bedtime.  Of course, during the summer we would slack off and let them sleep whenever.  Ace would generally fight bedtime, not wanting to go but would fall asleep no problem.  Jack could sleep anywhere and would sleep anywhere.  If he was tired, he'd go to sleep.  It didn't matter where or what time, he would crash.  One time, I even found him asleep in the middle of the stairs.  Megan - that girl has been the bane of my sleeping existence since before she was born.  

Megan would be most active at night in utero.  Megan did not sleep for an entire year after she was born and even then, I have quite a few memories of being up with her at 2 or 3 years old, watching Disney Jr. in the middle of the night.  Megan has always kept her own schedule.  At bedtime she would scream that she wanted to cuddle with Jack or Ace or us.  She would get out of bed and play.  That kid and sleep was a failing proposition.  We tried to get her to stick to a bedtime when she started school but the older she got, the less we kept up with it.  

Now, I generally head to our room around 10pm.  I try to fall asleep and it's really freakin' hard.  I've given up policing Jack and Megan's bedtimes because they're both teenagers now and honestly? They're good kids, both honor students, and they self regulate.  Jack is better than Meg at it, but Meg still gets up, gets herself ready for school, and sometimes she's up until 3am working on an art project or playing a game.  Jack is the same way, except he knows that he has to be on the bus at 5:30 in the morning, so he goes to sleep around 8pm, wakes up at 3am, plays online with his friends, and then showers and off to school.   Honestly? I'm trying to figure out how we raised such responsible kids.  Is it because we threw off the whole schedule? That we decided to just let them be?  

When Megan was 2-3 she could not be left to her own devices in the middle of the night and since I was the stay at home mom at the time, I would be the one who was up with her at that time.  Now, she's 13 and still doing the same things she was when she was tiny.  

It works for them.  So, why can't I make it work for me?  Why can't I shake off the bonds of the 9 to 5 schedule and just function when it suits me best?  I would be up in them middle of the night, pursuing creative endeavors, but instead, I'm laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, playing on my phone... everything but sleeping when society (or should I say capitalism?) says I should sleep.  I have often wondered about switching to a 24 hour cycle and seeing where it takes me - sleeping when I'm tired, awake when I'm awake.  How disruptive could this be? 

What do you think? Should I give it a try?