Life in the fishbowl.

When we moved to Florida 5 years ago, I saw things going very differently.  We were excited to escape the snow and increasingly colder winters that northern Indiana was experiencing.  I was looking forward to not having to hibernate from November until March every year due to that cold and hopefully shaking off what I can only imagine to be some form of seasonal depressive disorder.   Moving to Florida was not only going to give me the opportunity to increase and build my business (which it has) but it was also going to get me back to being an outdoor girl - complete with adventures and exploring new places.  We had planned to do this whole social media influencer type thing with my real estate business and well, you know what they say about making plans....

Almost instantly, we had to return to Indiana for my Mom's funeral.  We had the kids adjusting to new schools which was harder than we realized and then all plans were completely shut down due to the Covid pandemic.  Our entire family was incredibly grateful for the fact that our house had a pool.   I was considered an essential worker and was happy to keep working, masking up and everything, and I did have a lot of success - more than I was expecting just getting started in a new environment where I didn't know anyone.  While we couldn't necessarily do all the things that we had initially planned on, we started building a life for ourselves, eventually finding a really great house to buy that just happened to be 10 minutes away from my birth mom's house.  I really thought that Florida is where I was supposed to be.  The cards were all lined up, too many coincidences kept happening for me ignore and not let my imagination run wild with possibilities. 

I still very much love Florida but every day I get more and more worried about my family and our place here in this state.  Every day my circle of comfort shrinks.  Every day more things pop into my head about how many things can shift in a bad way.  Every day, I worry more and more about my wife and my family. 

My wife does not want to leave the house.  She gets nervous even just walking the dog.  She had a massive panic attack when one of our dogs escaped the yard and we had to go searching for her.  (Thankfully, one of our neighbors picked her up and brought her home as soon as we were able to touch base thanks to my friend Jenna).  The day that the dog got out was the day that our reality really set in for me.  

Kacy started medically transitioning shortly after we moved to Florida.  She started taking estrogen, started dressing more feminine, started wearing make up and doing all the things that "women" do.  I think she is absolutely beautiful and amazing and I consider myself lucky that I have such an amazing partner.  I am also scared to death for her.  She also has constant anxiety about going out, being "clocked" (which, the woman is an amazon at 6'3" and taller if she's wearing heals).  This means our social life is pretty much non-existent.  

Whenever we leave the house, our guard is up.  She used to go grocery shopping weekly, but with the political climate getting worse and worse, we utilize grocery delivery services now so she doesn't even have to set foot in a store unless she wants to or absolutely has to.  Recently, we were talking about how Kacy wanted to go to Pride but that was a hard line for me - with Florida changing recent gun laws, I wasn't about to take my family to an event where I felt like there could be someone with a gun.  I told Kacy that I felt it would be like shooting fish in a barrel.  

Building a community, friendships, things we had in Indiana - they don't exist here.  Do we have friends? Yes.  We are also very lucky to have a quite a few people that support us and Kacy's transition.  There are also times where we are out and about and we get stares.  There are times that we are out and we are made to feel uncomfortable.  The thing is, I know it's not about me.  It's all about my wife.  And I hate the fact that there are so many people out there that have this dislike or even hatred towards my wife and they don't even know her.  

I miss going out on dates with my wife.  I have not been able to have a beach day with my wife since we got to Florida because she doesn't feel comfortable even going to the beach.  There are so many things that I would love to do with my wife but there are a lot of situations where we just don't feel safe.  My wife is scared to take the kids shopping for back to school clothes because of all the bullshit that this political climate has put on transpeople.  

Hiding away from the world is slowly killing us.  Increased depression, anxiety.... that's just the tip of the iceberg.  I have heard my wife talk about ending things, which throws me into my own anxiety and panic.  We take turns keeping each other propped up.  One of us has a meltdown, the other holds down the fort and lets the other recover as best we can.  The meltdowns, though, are coming more and more.  

We bounce back and forth between whether or not we should leave Florida.  We come up with contingency plans, I look at houses in other parts of the country, trying to figure out the next step, get ahead of what may happen.  We look at things outside of the country, we look at blue states, we think about just hiding and keeping our head down.  I hate the hiding and keeping our heads down idea.  I hate thinking about how I'm going to spend more time, hiding away at home and not being able to go out with my wife.  

I see where she comes from, when things get dark - I can understand the thoughts and wonder how anyone can live that way.  She lives for me, she lives for our kids, but is she living for herself? She's living her truth as much as she can, but what kind of life is it?  I see how hard things are.  I see how much she hurts.  I wish I could help her more.  I wish I could make her more confident in her choices.  Everyone always tells me how amazing I am to stay with her.  Why is that amazing?  She's my wife.  I love her.  I support her. I want nothing but the best for her.  And I constantly feel like I'm failing her because I can't help her anymore than I am.  

I wish she could be comfortable going out without the wig and the make up.  I wish people would just keep their mouths shut and wouldn't stare, whisper, gawk, point.  I have conversations with people about how I just don't understand why what my wife does matters to them?  Why do people care so much what my wife is wearing?  There is nothing that she does that would effect anyone's day to day life other than me and my family.  We're perfectly okay with my wife being trans.  We support her being herself.  

So, why do people care so much?  There are people out there that want my family not to exist and that is absolutely not okay with me.  But what can I do?  Everyone is screaming vote vote vote.  The system is broken and I don't think voting would do anything to help the current situation.  I wasn't feeling necessarily safe with the current election coming up and I honestly don't feel that safe now with the current choices.   I fear that certain people will be elected and my family will have to leave.  I also know that my family isn't the only family that is dealing with this.  So what do we do? What can we do? Do we stay and fight and hope that the world changes for the better?  I have a feeling it's going to get far worse before it gets better.