Don't mind me! I'm just in the middle of an anxiety attack.

It is 11:50 PM and I am at the start of a panic attack.  I just took a Xanax, I just have to wait for it to kick in.  

I have felt it coming all day.  If I'm being honest about it, I probably should have taken a Xanax before I went to bed.  But, I didn't.  I thought: "Hey, my day ended pretty good! I'm not going to take one!" I should have known better because while I was tired (okay, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted) I figured I'd watch some tv and crash out.   Oh boy, was I wrong.  And I feel like this one is turning into a doozy.  

This morning I felt the ball of anxiety building in my chest.  It was sitting heavy between my back and my stomach.  I felt like I was being pulled inward towards myself.  I keep kicking myself knowing that it was there and just pushing it down.  I mentioned it to Kacy and she asked me if I wanted to talk about it.  I didn't have anything to talk about at the time - it was the same old stuff that's been causing me stress and anxiety since August.  I think my brain was trying to prep for an argument with my Dad.    We had his follow up appointment with the cardiologist this afternoon.  

All day I was distracted.  I knew better than to actually do any work, not that I could if I tried.  My Dad's nurse was coming to visit in the morning and then there was a large swath of time between the nurse and the cardiologist.  We actually left for the doctor earlier than I originally planning.  It was only 15 minutes earlier, but I'm glad that we did because there was a huge detour that made us 10 minutes late.  Thinking it was going to be more, I went ahead and called the doctor's office and let them know.  They told me they always built in a 15 minute grace period so that relaxed me.  

Actually, it was really odd.  Normally being late would send me into a panic.  I hate being late.  Lots of "emotional damage" there.  Combine panic with the 'tism and it generally does not lead to a very pretty picture.  This time, though, I was downright calm.  Both my Dad and I were like "Oh well, not our fault.  We're doing our best."  I even made up two minutes on the drive by lead footing, much to my Dad's chagrin.  We got to the office, I even remembered my Dad's handicap placard for the car and we were able to park right next to the door.  We entered the building and I scanned my Dad's ID to check him in.  A big note popped up on the screen: "PLEASE FINISH YOUR CHECKOUT AT THE FRONT DESK."  Uh-oh.  I had forgotten his insurance card (I changed purses and it was in my other purse). I really hoped they didn't need it.   

The lady at the front desk was super nice.  She looked at her screen and asked me "Did you check in?" I said yes.  And she goes "Oh, I see the problem..."  The cardiologist has two different offices and I had gone to the wrong one.  The other one was another 10 minutes away.  

Little Ralphie from the Christmas Story started cussing in my head... FUUUUDDDGGGGGEE.

Another receptionist popped in and made me wonder just how easy I am to read and she said: "Don't worry! I'm sure they can still get you in!"  She messaged back and forth with the proper office and we were able to be seen today. No need for rescheduling!  I uttered about a dozen thank you's (I really need to send them a card or take them some cookies or something), let them know that I was going to half to stop for gas (my low fuel light came on a few miles away from the office) but we were on our way!  The ladies laughed and said it was not a problem.  So, in the car we went, stopped at the gas station where I put 11.5 gallons of gas in my car (it holds 12 gallons) and we drove as quickly as I could possibly get away with to the other office.  

We arrived just and I checked my Dad in with the receptionist and we sat down to wait.  They finally called us back and we were ushered into a room by a very friendly, yet new nurse, and went through the usual questions and got vitals from my Dad.   His BP has been great, no pain, no shortness of breath.  After another five minutes, the doctor came in and the appointment began.  

The Doctor said that Dad was doing as well as can be expected, three weeks from his surgery.  He explained how the stents worked and how he was doing pretty good, but told us that his heart is only working at 25% and that when we had started all of this back in August he was at 45%.  So, that's a significant drop in a just a few months.  I know what this means.  It means his heart is still giving out.  But for now, we've got a minor win.  The doctor said he would be able to travel!!  So, we've planned a trip back to Kentucky.   

This evening Dad was a bit cranky despite the good news that he can travel.  I'm blaming it on the fact that I was able to find a better deal on flights and a car than he was and I did it all under 5 minutes.  I booked the trip and we're heading that way.  Part of me is looking forward to the trip and part of me is like... this is going to be so much work. 

Okay.... Xanax is starting to kick in so I'm going to sign off and crawl back into bed. I'm hoping that I'll fall asleep fast.  We'll see how it goes though.  I feel like a weight has been lifted with him being able to travel but I know this isn't the end.  We still have a long road ahead of us and I know it only ends one way.  But we'll concentrate on the wins for now.