Teenagers.

 My youngest turned 13 a few weeks ago.  I've already been through the teenage years with one kiddo, my other son is 16, and our youngest just turned 13.  I'd be lying if I wasn't waiting for the other shoe to drop.  

Ace, who is now 24, was my first experience with a teenager.  It wasn't pretty.  I did not know how to communicate very well when she was a teenager and followed the guide my own mom set forth, which it turns out was not a very good guide.  I'm not the same type of parent that my parents were.  My Mom was the kind of mom that yelled a lot.  My Dad was the type of dad that would have me in tears by uttering 5 words: "I'm very disappointed in you."  Since I spent the majority of my teenage years with my Mom, guess who I followed more as far as parenting styles were concerned.   Yep, my Mom.  I screamed, I yelled, I grounded for weeks.  Enter Kacy, who was like "that's not helping anyone."  Gentle parenting was not in my vocabulary way back in the day.

Fast forward to Jack.  He's 16 years old, has never been in trouble and I think we've only grounded him once.  It was for 2 days.  He was harder on himself than we were.  He's a really good kid that is big on fairness and stands up for the little guy (not to mention himself) if the situation calls for an adult to be put in their place.  He understands that respect must be earned, not given.  He treats everyone as equals and communicates with everyone on the same level.  TL;DR: He treats everyone the same and makes sure that those around him are treated the same way.  He takes no shit.  He is also incredibly honest and we have never really had cause to think he was lying to us. 

Now, we are entering into the foray with Megan.  Megan has always marched to the beat of her own drum.  She does things how she wants and when she wants.  School is no where near a challenge for her; she has had straight A's from the start, completes her work early and then reads or does some sort of art, keeping to herself.  She has her own sense of self and takes absolutely no shit from anyone.  There have been a few bullies at school that she's dealt with and not with physical force, but rather she says "I just mess with them."  Malicious mischief.  She pulls them down a peg, teasing them with the same passion that they tease her with.  She doesn't seem bothered by people thinking she's weird because she's different.  She does her own thing - something that I used to do when I was a kid.  

I have gone through different phases with the kids - they've each had boyfriends/girlfriends.  With Ace, I was extremely over protective.  Jackson, over protective but keep the door open please and thank you.  With Megan- we haven't really had that discussion yet? She hasn't really had any friends stay over night since puberty.  She came out as a lesbian at the age of 9, standing on top of the kitchen island at our first house in Florida.  It was the start of covid and she hadn't been at school, but she climbed up and out of no where she said "My name is Megan and I like girls."  

My response to her was "I'm glad you know yourself so well and support whatever you want to do."  I'm fairly sure I also said "Are you sure?" But for the most part, I support my kids and as long as they're happy, I'm happy. 

The reason I am talking about this is because I just saw this tiktok where this man was reciting an open letter to any boy who wants to date his daughter.  He was like "Oh, I'm ready for you."  He had a bat, was ready to hurt any boy (or maybe child) that hurt his little girls' feelings/broke her heart.   I had to stop the video because it just pissed me off.   Why would you want to hurt another child? Didn't you date? Weren't you dumped at one point in time? Didn't you ever dump anyone? Did you mean to hurt someone on purpose?  It doesn't feel good on either side of a breakup.  Well, usually it doesn't.  There are some cases where breakups are a relief, but for the most part if you're with someone, it does hurt.  I've had my heart broken, it doesn't feel good.  

Yes, as a parent, I want to protect my child from being hurt.  At the same time, though, one thing that I find myself saying constantly is: "You can't save them any steps."  I was crying this myself as a teenager.  My parents wanted me to do one thing but I wanted to do something else.  It was usually harder, and they wanted to make my life easier.  I understand that.  But as we grow, we have to make our own mistakes.  We have to get into our own adventures (or misadventures as the case may be) and figure it out for ourselves.  I want my kids to try and figure it out for themselves.  I want them to understand that heartbreak is just temporary.  The whole time heals all wounds thing.  Yes, it might suck for a little while, or even a long while.  BUT it won't suck forever.  

At the same time, though, they need to know that they can trust me and come to me if something is wrong. They need to know that they have my unwavering support.  I was always afraid to come to my parents if something was wrong.  Either I would be ridiculed by my Mom or yelled at and grounded by her for getting myself into trouble.  There was no understanding.  There were no hugs when my own heart got broken.  It was dismissal and go to your room. Think about what you've done.  Yeah, I've been thinking about it.  I was talking to my Mom because I wanted her to be a Mom and she wasn't being one.  I was being punished for doing what kids do instead of her and I communicating.  I don't know why, but she never trusted me and I hated her for it.  I never understood why she thought I was such a bad kid.  I know I was undiagnosed ADHD and autistic, but there were times where I just felt she was being cruel for being cruels sake.  My Dad never really had a hand in parenting.  He was the fun dad that I would get to escape to. 

When I moved into my Dad's house at the beginning of college, my entire world shifted and I didn't know how to handle it.  My Dad, in turn, didn't know how to handle me.  We both had a lot of growing to do and my Dad's forte was and has never been (and I doubt will ever be) communication.  He still doesn't quite understand how my life is or how our household works despite him being here since October.  

My kids - I want the best for them.  I want them to try different things, but I don't want to push them too hard.  I was pushed and it made me dig in deeper.  I want them to feel supported and if they want to try new things, which I fully encourage, I want them to know that I'm here for them.  I will bail them out if they need help and I will not judge them the same way I was judged.  

I want them to know that I am thankful for them and want nothing but the best and even if they get their heart broken, I'll make sure that I have ice cream and all sorts of other junk food on standby for whatever they need.   I'm not going to go beating up whoever broke their heart.  I'm not even going to threaten the person they're dating like "don't break my kids heart or I know where to hide the body."  That's just dumb.  It's ridiculous and unnecessary.  I want my kid to enjoy their experiences and their friendships. I don't want them to be afraid what Mom will do to their significant other.  

Treat your kids' friends like you would treat your own kids.  Would you threaten your own kid not to break someone's heart? No! You would be supportive.  That whole line of thought, even if it's not malicious and it's silly, just needs to end.  It's antiquated and stupid.  Ugh.