Searching for Spoons

I need a minute.  Let me sit here and just breathe for a second, please. 

In.  Out.  In.  Out.  Again. 

Start at the bottom, now.  My feet; barefoot on the rug. I really need to vacuum the rug.  Another thing to put on the list.  

"Wiggle your big toe." Echolalia as per the usual. None of my toes want to stay put, though.  I am trying to stop moving, I really am. I can't seem to stop though.  I have to move. If I stop, I feel like I'll fall apart.  Don't think about that now.  Move if you have to, there's nothing wrong with that.  

Legs.  Onto the legs.  My calfs.  Nothing to report.  I think about how my kids are all toe-walkers.  I wasn't a toe walker. My feet turned inward.  I had special shoes.  We went to Evansville to get them.  My parents bronzed a pair of them.  There was a picture frame in the middle of them that had a picture of me as a toddler.  The picture has long since fallen out of the frame and disappeared, but I remember it.  I remember thinking it was cool that my parents had a pair of my shoes bronzed.  I have since been told by a certain person close to me that those bronze shoes are yet another sign of me growing up privaledged.  

The person that said it seems to like to remind me that they grew up incredibly poor and lived in a shack.  I didn't live in a shack.  I lived in the suburbs of small-town America.  I went to private school.  I didn't think I was special or entitled, I was just me.  I was happy. I had opportunities that I didn't realize at the time were things that not everyone got to do.  I was also sheltered from a lot of things.  Was I aware of things going on? Yes. But at the same time I was sheltered from them.  My Dad's voice echoes in my head: "You don't have to worry about that, Jessie."  My Dad was one of two people that I allowed to call me "Jessie."  

Keep going.  You're going to fall apart if you don't. 

Knees. All good there.  No aches or pains.  I'm thankful for that.  A lot of my friends around the same age are having issues with their joints and them hurting.  I have that every so often, but not today! Bonus!

Thighs.  They're a little tense.  The further up I go, the more tension I feel.  My hips and thighs are doing a lot of heavy lifting these days.  They hold a lot of stress and tension and I constantly have to massage them.  Yesterday was the first day I didn't in probably two weeks.  I can't think of how yesterday was different than the day before or the day before that.  What has changed? Things to think about later. 

Lower back. Yep.  There's some tension there.  It doesn't hurt yet, but I bet that it will later.  I'll have to clean the tub so I can soak in some epsom salts later.  I'm projecting my thoughts into a conversation that won't ever happen... keep going, we're not supposed to stop here. 

Torso.  My stomach hurts.  I'm hungry.  I should eat something but I really don't want to.  There is some cheese sticks in the fridge.  I write down on my list of things to do today to make sure I eat a cheese stick at some point this morning.  Preferably before I have to take the kid to school. 

I look at the clock.  I'm already running out of time.  I can feel my body tense up.  I should take my meds now, but do I really want to put a rocket up my ass this morning?  Probably not the best idea.  If I do, there's a good chance that I'll be queen bitch of the world and will ruin my kid's birthday. 

I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. Thump. Thump. Thump.

My neck and shoulders already hurt. It's because I'm angry and I'm tense.  I have been feeling this way for a week and it won't stop.  There's a lot behind it and there's nothing I can do about it, except sit and watch the people I care about go through what they're going through.  

Anger. Frustration. The lack of control. Tears.  Here come the tears. Just let them; there's nothing you can really do about it. 

It's not the lack of time.  There's plenty of time.  It's the mental capacity that is lacking.  I'm continuously out of spoons and just when I start feeling like I put some back in the drawer, they are instantly taken.  They are given to someone else. 

I realize that I miss being sheltered from things.  I also realize that I cannot continue to be sheltered from things, or insulated from the goings on.  I've got to put those big girl panties on, get my ass up and do.  I realize that and I do start walking.  Then someone grabs and says "I need you." I don't have a choice. I have to stop, turn around and walk back.  They need me.  

Arms. They're attached to the shoulders.  My feet are still moving.  Stop talking about the moving feet.  The feet are going to move.  How are your arms?  Like I said, attached to the shoulders. Which it attached to the back.  They don't really hurt, they don't really ache.  I feel like I have to be specific.  Nothing really hurts.  Things tend to ache, but not hurt.  

The distinction is loud in my head, you see.  Hurt is for things like feelings or stubbing your toe.  Ache is constant, sometimes dull, sometimes throbbing.  There's a difference. I understand the difference.  Ache is also in your head. Not like a headache, constant pain in your head.  This is like... I am reaching for something, it's always just out of my reach and it will continue to be out of reach because while I'm trying to get to it, it feels like it's just not achievable.  I want something out there that's impossible to have and I don't even know what it is.  All I know is that someone is holding my other arm, keeping me from falling.  Maybe falling is exactly what I need.  Maybe I'm not reaching? Maybe I'm falling.  Maybe I've been falling for a long time and I just haven't realized it until this very moment and that person who is keeping me from falling is tired and their grip is giving out.  

The thing is, I know I've been falling.  But I feel like we're both falling, spinning in infinity.  That's kind of poetic, really.  I know it's a song lyric from someone familiar.   But we're both falling, spinning, and I'm reaching out trying to grab onto something and I keep feeling like just as I'm starting to grab it, I'm pulled back and I have to help the person pulling me back.  I know if I can just grab a hold of something and pull myself forward, even just briefly, I will be able to throw that person back on the roof of whatever building we fell from.  After I do that, maybe I need to do some parkour and find my own building to climb back up on? I picture two seperate buildings in my head with a walkway in between them.  We can walk back and forth and visit for a while, existing in the same block, but definitely seperate.  I just don't know how to get there.  

Today aches.  It doesn't hurt, it definitely aches.  

Fingers typing, trying to move as fast as my thoughts.  I'm not that good but I'm trying.  That's all I can do. I desperately want to go back to sleep but I know that's not going to happen.  I'm up.  It's too late for meds. I need to get ready so I can take the kid to school.  I knew this was how it was going to shake out.  I am tired of being right.