Eating Utensils.

They say the pen is mightier than the sword.  Words strung together can cause you to go from smiling and happy, to angry, to panicked, to overwhelmed.... Words can make you feel good.  Words can make you feel like the lowest form of life on the planet.  Words have power, even if you don't mean for them to or want them to.  

This morning I'm dealing with too many words flying around my brain.  I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm annoyed.  I am in this cycle of hurry up and wait where my brain is stalled, not really able to do much of anything other than sit and wait.  I know what I'm waiting for, but I can't say that out loud.  Insert that whole "words have power" thing.  I don't want to give those particular words any more wait than what they have.  

Spoon.  There's a word.  That word has a couple of different meanings in my world.  You have the eating utensil, you have the verb - the action of spooning something out.  You can be the big spoon or little spoon in a cuddle-type situation.  For me, most of the time, it's a metaphorical representation of my mental capacity and ability to help people.  In case you've never heard of "spoon theory" before, allow me to very quickly explain it.  At the beginning of every day/week/month, everyone has a certain number of spoons in their drawer.  Each spoon represents a limited amount of energy - whether that be physical or mental.  For every task you do, you have to use a spoon.  A friend needs help, metaphorically give them a spoon.  You need energy to clean your house - maybe that takes a couple of spoons because your house is a little messy.  Eventually, you go to the drawer where you're getting the spoons and you notice you're running pretty low.  So, you start conserving those spoons.  Eventually, those spoons can run out.  

I, currently, am running very low on spoons.  The spoons I still have in my drawer, I am very cautiously conserving them.  It's just now 7am, I've been up since around 4:30 am (again) and I'm out of spoons.  It's time to do the dishes. 

The problem that I'm running into, though, is that I've been "doing the dishes" for a while now and I'm out of soap.  I am able to rinse off the spoons, but that's not getting them clean.  There are more than a few of them that have stuff stuck on them and they need a good soaking, run through the dishwasher on high, and even then I may have to really scrub to get the gunk off them.   

A few days ago I had a minor "pop."  Kacy managed to wash a few spoons and put them away for me.  This morning, though, Kacy needed some spoons and I had absolutely none to give her.  I haven't been sleeping well because I don't know how to give up the reigns of control when it comes to carrying for my Dad, I have been feeling overwhelmed with everything dealing with the casita and moving my Dad into our house.  It's chaotic and we're all on top of each other and trying to carve out some modicum of space for yourself?  It doesn't always happen.   Everyone has been trading dirty spoons for a little while now and it's kind of like "Okay, I know there's a big glob of oatmeal stuck on here, but the rest of the spoon is in pretty good shape..."   My brain, however, is tired of using the dirty spoon and is now rifling around in the silverware drawer and is using both a fork or a knife.  The problem I'm having now is that I'm metaphorically trying to eat soup with that fork and while every so often it might catch a noodle or a carrot (in my brain I'm eating chicken noodle soup - they say it's good for the soul), the chicken broth just drips through the cracks back into the bowl and I don't particularly feel like it's good manners to pick up the bowl and start drinking from it like a cup.   

That's what I've started doing - I'm drinking from the bowl like a cup.  I am making do however I can, bad manners be damned.  I feel like in my hurry up and wait; I don't have time to do anything but hurry up and wait.  Plan A, B, C, D, etc... that has always been me.  Think outside the box to find a solution.  What happens, though, when the bowl is empty?  Today, I can't think about that.  Today there is too much to do, too much going on.  I may end up drinking that dirty dishwater, but I'm hoping that I can do some grocery shopping and maybe pick up some ingredients to make more.  I just don't know when I'm going to be able to make it to the store.