Scheduling and Conflicts

 I woke up this morning around 4:15am.  This was not something voluntary by any stretch of the imagination.  In fact, I would probably be in a much better mood at the moment if I had not woken up at 4:15, but it is what it is.  I have never been a morning person.  NEVER.  Can't stress that one enough.  I started this morning hearing my Dad toss and turn in his bed.  According to my sleep tracker, I got not quite 5 hours of sleep, most of which was very very light, and only about an hour of REM sleep.  I'm hoping there is a nap in my future, but I really don't see it at this particular time.  In fact, today I actually see myself being quite the bitch.   I apologize to everyone in advance.  I'm the problem, here, not you.  

I can't seem to find the off switch and I have completely lost all focus and have been existing in that state since I left for Kentucky in mid-August. I've been trying to find the balance and it's completely gone.  I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing, when I'm supposed to be doing it, so I'm just managing the best I can.   I know in the morning that I'm supposed to get up, take my meds, get rolling.   I normally have a set time when I get up and I haven't been following my "normal" routine at all.  Today is actually the closest that I've come in several months and I still feel like I'm behind the barrel of a shotgun just waiting to go off.  

It's now about 7:15 and the sun is just starting to creep up over the horizon, I've taken my Dad to the bathroom 3 times (each time unsuccessfully), I cleaned the kitchen as best I could without making a lot of noise and disrupting the house (even though 2 of the kids are already out the door) and I find myself upset at the fact that I'm not able to rest.  

But what can I do?  Take a sleeping pill? Been there, done that, sleep still got disrupted.  There was a reason that yesterday, when I went back to sleep in the morning after a very rough night, that I slept until nearly 2 in the afternoon.  Am I depressed? Fuck yes.  Is my anxiety kicking into high gear? Fuck yes.  So what am I going to do?  I've decided to just apologize for my behavior today and just roll with it.  I intend to yell, get people moving, and attempt to do something that I want to do for my business because I miss working.  

I miss the social interaction that comes with showing houses.  I miss the negotiations and helping people.  Sure, I get plenty of the helping people right now being my Dad's caregiver, but that is not the type of help that I want to do.  I want to work, outside of the house.  I want to get my ass in gear and finish up my year awesome.  It's fucking hard to do with no focus, though.  So, today, I'm making my ADHD my bitch.  I'm putting together my new schedule.  I know this is going to be a work in progress. I know that I'm way behind.  I've been way behind since last October when a certain person completely took my life and upended it, quickly followed by another person that fucked my life and pocket book even more.  

The problem with doing all that is the simple fact that I'm probably going to redline myself back into being exhausted.  Last night, as I tucked my Dad into bed, he tells me "Jess, you need to get some sleep."  My brain wanted to respond with "I'll sleep when I'm dead."  Then my brain switched it to "I'll sleep when your dead."  Which was a really shitty thing for my brain to say.  Thankfully, my mouth had the sense to just simply reply with "I know, Dad."  That makes me think I'm starting to get more of a handle on my brain, but I somehow doubt that.  

We just take it a day at a time, yeah?