Excitement

I didn't sleep very well last night.  It was a combination of anxiety, hormones (horrormones?), and excitement.  There was a possibility that I was going to jailbreak my Dad from the facility today.  I knew that was going to be a slim possibility, but if there if there is one thing that I'm really good at is being hopelessly optimistic.  My Dad was incredibly excited as well.  Both of us have borderline unrealistic expectations and get excited over the smallest things.  We will build up our expectations until they're practically bursting at the seems and then we both get pissed off when things don't go according to plan. Last night, did not go according to plan.  

There was nothing more that I wanted to do than sleep.  Yesterday, I was in full "hurricane" mode.  Running errands, preparing for the trip, trying to figure out everything needed, doing laundry, cleaning the house and making sure there was nothing for bugs to get into.   It was probably one of the most productive days that I've had in weeks simply because my brain finally had a task to occupy it.  The past few weeks my brain cycles have been taken up first with Kacy's surgery, taking care of the kids and house for the few days I had before I found out my Dad was in the hospital.  My anxiety has been at an all-time high (thank goodness for therapy!) since mid-August.  This, on top of an incredibly stressful year.  I'm trying to give myself some grace, but you try giving yourself grace when you've got anxiety.  To quote one of my favorite muppets: "It's not easy being green." 

But last night - I couldn't give up the hope that we would possibly begin the very long drive back home to Florida.  We have been talking about a few places that we wanted to stop - the Lodge Cast Iron Museum, Lookout Mountain, maybe even the Jim Beam distillary.  I suggested the Coca-Cola museum in Atlanta but he didn't want to go there.  Maybe I can convince him to stop at some civil war battlefield and teach me one more lesson that I didn't learn in school about the civil war. I am an absolute nerd for stuff like that.  I'm not quite sure how we'll do the whole wheelchair thing, but I'm actually excited to figure it out.  I think Dad coming home with me, spending time with Kacy and the kids, and hanging out in his casita.  

My life is far from calming down.  I'm going to be working on the casita as soon as I get back.  We are in the dry walling phase and while I've only done patches here and there, I'm going to be learning as I go and I can only imagine that I'll get some form of feeling accomplished.  Again, I'm actually looking forward to it.  

I feel like I'm kind of trying to convince myself of that?  I don't think that I am, but I second-guess myself so much.  It's become a bad habit that I've been trying to shake.  I'm doing better trusting my gut but it is still something that I'm working on.  When my spidey sense goes off, I need to make sure I listen to it.  I know I'll enjoy the trip, but I have to keep reminding myself to enjoy the ride.  It's not about things, it's not about getting there, it's about enjoying the trip.  Sure, the destination is important, but it's the making memories that's the real key.  It's spending time with the people you love and that love you.  

The hardest part of being here is the fact that it's just me and my Dad.  I'm a pretty social person and while I have actually made a couple of friends in the area this time around, my day's consist of me getting up, showering and getting ready, heading out to the facility, sitting with my dad for a while, entertaining myself while he sleeps, running an errand for him, selling his boat or doing whatever for him, coming home and going to sleep.  Most nights I toss and turn, end up falling asleep reading (which isn't that uncommon for me), and try and turn my brain off.  I've discovered a few sleep apps that I really enjoy, so once I actually do fall asleep, I tend to be out until the sun comes up.  

Fingers are currently crossed for a Monday departure.  It all depends on whether or not certain insurance things line up.  We are currently trying to get Dad some oxygen and a portable tank for when we go to the doctor's etc.