Rough

I went home to Florida for the week.  I got home last Saturday, I was so excited to be home and the first day home I felt awkward and like an interloper.  The next day felt like I was re-breaking in my favorite pair of shoes.  Kind of like at the end of summer when you put away your favorite strappy sandals and then they sit there in the back of your closet until the following summer when it's warm enough to take out and wear but you have to re-break them in.  Or maybe your feet have to re-adjust to your sandals after being cooped up in "winter" shoes for the rest of the year.  

Being home with Kacy and the kids has been great.  I managed to sneak in some work as well - I had a closing.  Kacy and I even got some time to sneak off to go see My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3.  That was rough.  I love the movie, but it really hit hard for me in several different ways.   I'm not going to throw out spoilers, but it really made me miss my own big fat Panamanian and Greek family.  I haven't seen them this year and making a trip to Chicago isn't necessarily in the cards right now.  We already have plans in the works for next summer, though.  Kacy wants to go to her high school reunion and I'm sure we will stop and see the family in Chicago.  

Unfortunately, my trip home has also been an emotional roller coaster.  Almost every day I woke up around 1:30am with anxiety.  The first night I wasn't sure where I was, I instantly sat up, looking for my Dad and, thinking something was horrifically wrong.  That continued for a few days.  After we came home from the movies on Wednesday, we were shocked to find that three of Kacy's sutures had popped from her surgery that took place just a few days before I left.  It set off a 24-hour panic/anxiety attack that also confronted her with a lot of emotional trauma - past, present, and potential future trauma (that whole being trans in America right now is a total shitshow and we deal with hateful fuckheads trying to tell us how to live constantly, but that's another story entirely).  

This happened right as we were going to have to go pick Jackson up from school (he had extracurriculars that particular day), so I instantly had Ace call my bio-mom, who took Ace and went to pick up Jack.  While that was going on, I was calming Kacy down as best possible, getting her doctor on the phone to make sure that everything was okay and we did not have to go to the hospital, gave her a Xanax, and put her to bed - where she did not sleep for more than a couple of hours.  I slept only slightly longer than she did, but it is what it is.  You have an issue, you feel your way through it, you process it as best you can and you keep moving forward.  It has taken me a really long time to realize that in those moments Kacy doesn't need me to hover, she just needs to know that I'm there.  

The next day we had crews working on the casita and I needed to get my house back in order. Is thriving in chaos a thing? I feel like it's a thing.  I felt like a chaos monkey.  My original plan to leave back to Kentucky on Saturday got pushed back and I decided (probably a very wise decision) to leave on Monday instead.  I'm going to attempt to make Sunday one of those days of rest.  As they say, though, ain't no rest for the wicked.  Tomorrow I will probably start some project that doesn't need to be started and will leave on Monday, with a half-started project that will drive Kacy nuts.  (I've got the giggles thinking about that- I kind of know which one I want to start but also know that it would really drive the kids nuts.)

My Dad is very much hating the rehab center.  I have been calling him every day - some days twice a day.  I want to make sure he is well taken care of.  I've had the nurse check on him a couple of times as well - he did fall but no injuries were reported.  Hopefully, he'll be able to leave rehab soon.  I don't see it happening soon, though. 

I'm going to enjoy my last day with the kids and my family.  And hopefully, I'll be able to come back home very very soon.