The hits keep on coming

 I sold my Dad's boat.  We're signing the paperwork today.  The people that bought it are excited at the prospect of fixing it up so that makes me excited.  It's the little things, ya know?  Not half an hour before they decided that I met with them, though, I found out that my Tio passed away.  Thankfully, he was surrounded by his family and loved ones.  

The last time I saw him was a few years ago.  He was in Chicago visiting family.  I always had a blast with my Uncle.  He was so funny, always joking around, always had a smile on his face.  He and my Mom had been in the same class at school and were really good friends that teased each other mercilessly whenever they were together.  I remember thinking he was so big, so strong.  If there is anyone I ever felt completely safe around it was him.  In fact, I felt so safe around him, he was the first adult that I cussed in front of.  

The story is that we were in Panama and heading back from the country to the city.  My Mom had gone ahead to go to a concert with some friends and I would head back the next day with my Uncle and the rest of the family.  My Uncle burst into my room at 5:00 in the morning and proceeded to yell at me to get up that we had to go!  I proceeded to yell back "You don't have to be such an asshole!"  He started laughing, which of course made 15 year old me even more upset.  The moral of the story is that I am not a morning person.  Don't wake me up like that.  But my Uncle?  He was awesome.  He was so loving and so giving and just wanted the best for everyone.  I wish I could have said goodbye.  He had an amazing life and I hope he and my Mom are teasing each other and having fun together in the afterlife. 

This week we are supposed to find out when my Dad can travel.  If I'm being honest, I really think that something else is going on with my Dad.  Over the weekend he kept repeating "We had a lot of fun, didn't we Jess?"  Like he knows it's done, like there is nothing left to do, he's done it all.  I keep telling him it's not over yet, that we still have plenty of time to have fun.  

He actually had a decent weekend - he seemed stronger yesterday (even though he's not eating much of anything) and he can actually move from his bed to the wheelchair fairly easily now.  The dilemma becomes when we have to actually move him to the bathroom.  That's the hard part. I brought him home for a couple of hours the other day and we managed okay.  I'm worried about the trip down - thinking of all the rigamarole that we're going to have to deal with, him going to the bathroom, getting in and out of the car, the oxygen, etc.  He's ready to go, though.  He's ready to be down in Florida and has said multiple times "I'm not coming back here."  Like I said, I think he knows something that I don't.  I keep trying to stay positive but then my anxiety kicks in and is like "the other shoe is going to drop..."

I wish that I could just turn off my brain, but I can't. I have this uncontrollable need to know what's going on with my Dad.  I want more of a diagnosis than just congestive heart failure and kidney disease.  I want someone that has more knowledge than me to explain to me exactly what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, what I need to look out for, what I need to do.  My brain very much wants a roadmap but even I know that is not only a tall ask but it's also not an exact science.  It's times like these where I really hate my brain.  I want to just shut that part of it off and just enjoy what I can with my Dad.   

In other news, the leaves are starting to change colors here.  The mornings are cooler (low to mid 50s) and yesterday was a lovely 75 degrees all day.  I kind of missed this.  I, by no means whatsoever, want to be here in the winter and have explained to my Dad that we will NOT be coming back up here until the spring at the earliest, which he's totally okay with.  I have to plan to come and get some of his furniture and other things from his house that I can't take with me, but we'll figure it out.  One last big road trip up this year.  Thankfully, I'll have company this next time.  

I'm really tired, though.  I'm completely worn out even though.  I have no one to tag out with, no means of taking a break, and most evenings I come home from the facility, clean up whatever mess I left (which it's just me, but damn am I a slob. LOL.) and then go to sleep.  I think I've only gotten maybe one or two nights of really restful sleep.  Every day I get up earlier and earlier, waiting for the day to get started, more tired than before.  

I'm just trying my best and that's all I can do.  It's enough for now.