My brain and the worst-case scenario.

 I am currently at my Dad's (which, if you haven't been keeping up, has been home base for the past month and a piece with only a week back home with my family in FL) and I tucked him into bed about 15 minutes ago.  I got a text on my phone that my therapy appointment was in a little over an hour and that sent me into a tailspin of sorts.  

I was planning in my head for nothing too crazy today.  I definitely wasn't planning for him to come and spend any time at home today but he, I guess, had that in his head.  He likes to leave stuff in his head, just like me.  I don't always see the bigger picture of what he's trying to accomplish.  It's a trait we both share.  The plan was originally just a haircut and maybe we would get him something to eat (he doesn't eat much these days and I'm happy to get him whatever as long as he eats).  After the haircut, he asked me to take him to Walgreens to get some Benadryl.  One of his medicines is apparently making him very itchy and the nurse last night was supposed to bring him some but neglected to do so.  So, I got the Benadryl.  I'll be taking it back with me and telling them that they are to give it to him.  On the upside, the nurse also neglected to take him to the bathroom so he took himself.  He managed to get in his wheelchair, down the hallway, to the bathroom, and back to his room without the nurse.  

I want to scream and yell at the night nurse.  Seriously, what kind of bullshit is that? He pressed the call button several times by his account and no one ever came.  They haven't seen "Heather" Jess (I'm gen x, we don't "karen" we "heather.") and I'm about to go off on them if I hear about something like this.  I am hoping that tomorrow we will find out we can travel and then we'll head back to Florida ASAP.  I think it would be good for both of us.  I definitely know it would be good for me. 

I am trying very hard just to enjoy my time with my dad, but it's the intrusive thoughts that pop into my head and I can't make them stop.  I can't make them go away.  I don't want to face them, but I can't not.  I get angry for a second and then I just cry.  I am angry at myself because I want this whole thing to be done, but then I feel guilty because the only thing I want is more time with my Dad.  I want to spend more time with him, I don't want him hurting (which, he's not physically hurting - he says he's in no pain) but I know that he just hates going through this and I hate that and I want that done.  But then, I know that done means he won't be here anymore.  That is where the guilty falls into play - because I don't want my Dad gone.  I very much want my Dad here with me.  I very much want my Dad having crazy adventures with me.  Yesterday we were talking about the possibility of going to Orlando and driving a tank.  

So, I'm putting on a happy face for as long as I can.  I'm going to be here and be thankful that we are able to do what we can. I am thankful to be able to be here with him now and spend the time with him now.  I keep trying to tell myself just to enjoy the time I have left.