10mg of uninterrupted rambling.

"I'm fairly sure I'm doing a good job at accomplishing the one thing I wanted to try and accomplish today."  This is what I said to Kacy when I sat back down after showing her a TikTok that made me giggle.  

Kacy gave me a look and then proceeded to ask me: "And what's that?" 

"Absolutely nothing,"  I answered with as straight a face as I could manage.  Kacy began laughing and I looked down at the list of things I had written down that I actually wanted to accomplish today.  The day is still young but I have absolutely no get up and go.  I don't know if I should blame daylight savings time (which just means I'm still waking up with it being pitch black outside and my kids are still waiting for their bus in darkness, too,) or the fact that every day is the same thing for me. 

I can't purposely accomplish nothing.  It's hard for me not to be in a constant state of go-go-go.  The past few months I have been in what feels like a holding pattern and I can't figure out how to get out of it.  There are times when I feel like I'm beginning to start adding agoraphobia to my growing list of mental illnesses.  Oh, hello, Anxiety!  How are you today?  Going strong? Fuck yeah!  What's that, you don't want to let me leave the house because you're afraid something might happen to your Dad if you leave the house? God forbid you leave the house with your wife, whom you could totally use a date night with.  

I've also noticed that my Dad is fairly anxious.  He has gotten to the point where he's picking at his skin, opening sores.  He says he's itchy.  He's very very itchy.  He also stims by constantly tapping his feet, especially if people are over.  Maybe it's time for my Dad to get on some happy pills too?  Hmmmmm.... Things to discuss with his doctor.  I know that my Mom was on antidepressants when her time was coming. So maybe that's something that can be discussed with the doctor. 

For me, I think I may have found the root of why I get so angry and frustrated.  My fuse is hella short. I'm aware of that and I don't like it.  I try taking a moment, but I can't take a moment because of my AuDHD and I will get hyper fixated on finishing a task before I allow myself to actually have a moment, thus leading to the wonderful ADHD rage.  Ah, therapy and introspection!  Such a wonderful thing for people to do - I'm not even kidding there.  ANYWHO.... why I get angry and frustrated.  

For starters, anyone who knows me knows that I'm as subtle as a sledgehammer.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve and if I'm unhappy you're going to know about it.  For many years there, I kept all that down.  I remember my Dad telling me that I should just keep my mouth shut and head down whenever something irritated me.  For the most part I did, but you'd know if I wasn't happy about something.  I wouldn't necessarily be rude about it but I would definitely get cranky.  

Lately, I have been a very cranky person.  I am fully aware of that and have been doing a lot of apologizing to people.  I have had a lot on my plate, though.  I know I'm repeating myself there.  But at the same time, I feel so completely unaccomplished.   I have absolutely no head for work and I feel like I'm letting my customers, clients, bosses and family down because I don't have the head for work.  At least once or twice an hour my Dad needs my assistance with something - he is getting weaker and is more of a fall risk and I still am dealing with actually remembering how my granny passed.  I see so many similarities between my Dad and my grandparents.   How similar my dad walks with his walker to how granny would trek from her chair to the bathroom and back.  I see the similarities in my Dad's breathing and lung capacity getting weaker and his chest looking so similar to my grandpa's toward the end.  Both he and my grandpa sitting outside in the sun, bare-chested.  It's almost as if my Dad feels like if he can soak up the sun he will be 40 again.  

I'm angry I can't do anything about my Dad and making him feel better.  I can't fix him.  I'm angry at the fact that I have to devote all my energy to him.  I'm angry that I feel that way because I love my Dad and he is such a huge part of my world and I shouldn't be angry that he can't take care of himself.  I really think that I'm angry I can't do more.  

I can't do anymore than I already am and I'm incredibly angry at myself for that.  I can hear the expectations that I set for myself and not being able to meet them.  Am I actually realizing my limitations? I told myself that I wasn't going to do any "work" (Real Estate) until November.  Now, I'm looking down the barrel of November,  coming to the realization that mentally I'm completely tapped out and probably don't have the mental capacity to actually do anything productive as far as work work is concerned until the beginning of the new year - and that's assuming that my Dad makes it that long.  If he doesn't, the truth of the matter is that I'll be untangling his estate for several months to say the least.  

Shit, I'm exhausted just writing about it.  The worst part?  When I do get out of the house, all I can think is "what if something happens and I'm not there?"  Y'all know how much I love to get out of the house... or at least I used to.  Now I put in an appearance here and there to get the social cup filled.  Friends will come to the house but I feel like I can't leave the house.  

Now, try not to show how upset you are to the one person you are trying to make comfortable and happy and feel so loved.  It's called masking and I have a hard time with it.  There was a time that I could do it.  I can throw it on in public and be all "sunshine and rainbows." (It's one of my favorite things to say.) For the past year, though, that mask has started falling off and it's gotten to the point now where I'm like baseball- three strikes and you're out.  I'm not longer holding back if something doesn't sound right to me.  My spidey sense is tingling? I'm listening and I'll tell you about it.  If something bothers me, I'm starting to very much tell people.  

But I can't tell that to my Dad.  I can't be honest with him.  And that's why I think I've become this angry person with such an incredibly short fuse.  I don't want to hurt his feelings and for the most part he can't understand or doesn't remember what's going on.  Why would I want to hurt him like that? I don't want him to know that I'm upset with the fact that I can't fix him.  

When he sits there and says "I don't know what's wrong with me," I bite my tongue and stay silent.  I don't answer back "we know what's wrong.  You're body is giving out."  

So, I sit silently.  It eats away at me. It leads me to lash out at others over the smallest perceived slight.  I have gone back a younger version of myself meaning I have absolutely no filter.  The only difference is now I'm much more sarcastic and biting.  I'm getting angrier by the day and it's harder for me to keep quiet.   I hate feeling that way.  I hate being angry.  I don't like me when I'm angry.  I know I can be an incredibly hateful bitch when I'm REALLY angry.  I am trying not to get back there... but how do you stop it from happening? 

Guess I'll have to talk with my therapist about that one.