Grumble grumble

 Mornings and I do not agree with each other.  On any normal day, I have a routine: get up, shower, get ready for the day (dressed, make-up if I'm so feeling inclined, etc).  Then, kitchen - some form of breakfast maybe, definitely caffeine, meds, vitamins, and while I'm doing that I like to kind of get a hold of what's going on in the world, maybe watch some tiktoks, basically allow my brain the time it needs to turn on and be a functioning, most of the time smiling, human being.  Since mid-August, my routine and self-care has gone to hell.  

Now, in a normally functioning human, they could probably pivot quite easily.  Me?  Yeah, the AuDHD doesn't like to pivot without medicinal help, and the fact that I have no medicinal help at the moment because I still need to do a blood test to find out what's going on with my heart and my blood pressure when I'm on Adderall?  Yeahhhhh.... No medication means I'm extra extra all over the place and my mood changes on a dime.  I try really hard most days to put on a happy face, but there are some days (and I feel like it's a lot of days lately) that not even the fluoxetine that I'm on is having that great of an effect.  I'm cranky, I'm annoyed, and I feel like if I'm going to be cranky and annoyed, which affects my blood pressure in the negative anyway, I might as well be productive, right?  Who am I kidding - I'm not going to. I don't have the headspace to be productive these days. Everything is auto-pilot for me.  

From the minute I walk out of my bedroom in the morning, I don't seem to have any time for myself anymore.  This blog?  I have sat down four times to write, each time being interrupted by my Dad, wanting to go to the bathroom, wanting to go for a walk, wanting a blanket, wanting his computer, wanting his phone... any number of things that completely don't have anything to do with any kind of self-care for myself.   This blog has been my only outlet and much like it's name- I'm barely keeping up.  

I'm frustrated, I'm tired, I want to have some fun.  I want to get out of the house but every time I do, I get anxious because I'm worried about leaving my Dad at home.  I can't leave the house with Kacy because an adult has to be here at all times and as much as I do trust my tribe, I know the other adult in the house is not that observant and could not handle it if my Dad fell or something else happened.  

My Dad keeps talking about walking unassisted, but someone has to be by his side at all times.  He barely has any balance, he is to the point where he doesn't even want to wear pants if not necessary.  I, personally, have no problem with him not wearing pants at all- that's not the point.  The point is he thinks that he can do all of these things that any normal, healthy person should be able to do and he doesn't understand that he can't.  He doesn't understand that his body is giving out.  He doesn't understand that we have to help him.  

Halloween sucked, we didn't get to do anything fun like we normally do.  We didn't even do our traditional trip out to get pizza.  I see the holidays coming down the pipeline and Kacy and I always have one day where we take a day and go shopping, out to dinner and have fun with each other and I don't see how I'm going to be able to relax enough to be able to do that either.  I'm trying to chant the mantra "happy and comfortable" and while I know that my Dad's every need is taken care of, I know that mine are going far by the wayside and it's really starting to impact my everyday life.  I can feel myself resenting the situation we are in but at the same time I wouldn't change it because I know it's important to my Dad and he is comfortable and happy and taken care of.  But how do I take care of me?  That's what I don't know...