It's just the way things are.

 I was a young parent.  I had my first kid at 21 years old.  In fact, I didn't even really celebrate my own 21st birthday.  I lived vicariously through my friend Mickie and proceeded to get her drunk rather than getting my very pregnant self drunk at the time.  See, I had a modicum of responsibility!  When my oldest was born, though, I was bound and determined not to be the same type of mother that I had. 

Growing up I was told by my mom (several times) that I had a "mommy that screamed."  I never understood why.  I would get yelled at, screamed at, demands of perfection at all times.  I, now knowing that I was 100% ADHD with a side of autism, would give as good as I would get.  The screaming matches between myself and my Mom were legendary.  I wanted to break that cycle with my own kid(s).  I know I'm not the only one out there that says they're going to raise their kids differently.  Somehow, though, I got into the same cycle.  

I demanded the same perfection from my own kid that I was unable to give my parents.  I followed my Mom's ruleset, would ground my kid for weeks on end for the smallest transgression, not realizing that what I was doing was horrifically mentally traumatic.  It wasn't until a few years ago that I started therapy and began to realize that what I had grown up with was NOT normal.  It wasn't until a few years ago that I began to realize that I actually was not a piece of crap person and that boundaries were a good thing.  It wasn't until a few years ago that I actually apologized to my oldest for the crap that I had put them through and we are now trying to legitimately fix that relationship and heal what I now know is generational trauma.  

I realized something was very very wrong when my oldest was around 16 years old.  They would tell me that they wanted to be an artist, which we supported that goal, but then they started failing at the one class I expected them to pass- art.  It was when our then 7 year old yelled at the the oldest "What are you going to do with your life?!" after a particularly heated argument between my wife, myself and our oldest, that I realized and very much felt that I was doing something very very wrong as far as how I was raising my children.  

That's when we went about starting to change things.  It was slow going at first, for sure.  But as they get older, I notice that all three of our kids not only set boundaries, but they are also kind and generous and are not afraid to argue their point.  This doesn't mean that we're constantly having fights in our house.  In fact, our house is pretty harmonious (knock on invisible cheese fries).  Even our oldest, who still lives with us at 24 (they are very autistic and mentally around the age of a 16 year old), is helpful, kind and really quite sweet.  

Our middle child is in advanced classes and will graduate with an associates degree in computer sciences when they graduate a few short years (they're a sophomore now) and our youngest is in the gifted program at their school and has been talking about becoming an animator for a couple of years now and has been building their portfolio since the age of 6.  

We do everything that we can to encourage and gently parent them - we don't really yell, we do direct as necessary, but for the most part they all self-manage with occasional reminders to brush their teeth, etc.  They all get themselves up and ready for school, maintain their grades, and the biggest thing?  We trust them.  We allow them to make decisions for themselves and for the most part they are pretty happy and healthy.   If we have any kind of conflicts, we talk them out.  Sometimes, as their parent, I do have to intervene and say "No, this is how it's going to be.  End of discussion."  And that's the end of it.  BUT if they come to us with a decent reason for doing what they're doing or if they have some sort of issue - we will hear them out and generally back them up 100%. 

I don't want to be a "mommy that screams."  I don't like conflict.  At the same time, I know that I am their parent and not their friend.  My job is to guide them and encourage them, but not discount or diminish them as people.  Just because I don't like something they do (for example, my son has been growing out his hair since junior high and it's fairly long now and wish he would cut it, but it's not my hair - it's his), doesn't mean that it's my call to tell them how to be.  They know to be polite, but they don't have to necessarily respect someone just because they are in a position of authority or older than them.  They will go out of their way to assist their grandpa who lives with us, they know when either myself or their mom is having a tough day and try and help out as best they can, they are kind and generous.  I couldn't ask for better kids.  I am also incredibly proud at the boundaries they put up and the fact that they do not take any crap from anyone.  There are times when I wish that I had the brains they did in order to be able to say no and put up better boundaries.  I'm getting better at it, but I feel like I am no where near as capable as they are.  

I have said it before and I will keep saying it because I don't think I could possibly express exactly how proud I am of my kids.  They're all growing up becoming incredibly people.   I can't wait to see where they go.