Saving Daylight

 My body is still al discombobulated because of daylight savings time.  It's been weird- I've been going to bed around 9:00-9:30pm and waking up around 7am.  There are, of course, the nighttime wake-up calls from Dad that I hear on the monitors.  Ace has been getting up with him and taking the night shift, but since my Dad got home from the hospital over the weekend, I've had it on as backup, and also because I've had this uneasy feeling that everything is not okay.  If I had my druthers (there's a southern saying for ya), I would have had him stay in the hospital at least a few more days but I honestly don't think it would do any good.  My Dad doesn't want to die in a hospital, anyway.  He's made that abundantly clear.  

Since yesterday he has been wheezing.  We saw the pulmonologist who didn't seemed concerned, but he was also a bit of a dick and seemed to steamroll everything.  He was very much acting like the doctors at the hospital didn't know what they were doing.  Granted, they kept saying my Dad was diabetic at the hospital and he's not.  I have no idea where that idea came from.  It's a mystery.  The thing that we are concerned about is the fact his heart rate was high again yesterday, but then would come down, and then his BP was all over the place.  

I'm trying to just let the universe do it's thing, and I'd be lying if I said that I'm okay with the universe just doing it's thing.  I don't want my Dad gone by any stretch of the imagination but I do, however, want him to be at peace. There is no peace currently.  

So, what do I do? Do I fight for hospice- which my Dad doesn't even want to admit that's where we are? Or do I keep maintaining his status quo of going to the doctor, going to the hospital, bed, chair, outside for a short time for some sun, back inside, him calling for someone every half hour to an hour (depending if he's entertained by a book or not) or do I admit to him the one thing that I am more afraid of saying out loud to his face because I don't want to hurt or scare him? Do I actually say the words: "Dad, you're dying. You're not going to recover from this. You're getting worse and worse every day.  I want you to be comfortable."  

Why is that so hard?  It's not like I'm shouting it at him.  I honestly don't know what to do - keep ignoring when he says he doesn't think he's getting better and being annoyed at the doctors for not figuring out what's going on or do I actually try and have that conversation? I am so scared of having that conversation.