Tik...tok...tik...tok

 We are in the middle of a holter test for my Dad.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically this little device that clips to his shirt with electrodes on them monitoring his heart throughout the day.  My dad was up and down 11 times throughout the night last night. Mainly to the bathroom, but there were times he was wheezing or winded and while he would fall asleep he would wake back up so there was absolutely no restful sleep for him (or me and Ace, either).  This morning he proceeds to tell me that he is "going to hell in a handbasket."  Oh, what fun!  I can see the new Christmas song in my head now!  

Jingle bells, I'm going to hell,

Wheezing all the way!

Oh what fun it is to wear a holter all stinkin' day!

I am trying very hard to keep the mask on and I really want to just scream because every little thing bothers me to distraction and I can't concentrate on anything.  I think I need some new happy pills because I don't want to pop off for no reason.  I mean, I have reasons, but I don't want it to be my Dad scraping every last little bit of butterscotch pudding out of a snack pack to be what sets me off, ya know?  It's not his fault that this is happening - his body is just giving out.  But the biggest thing that bothers me?  His need for me to either entertain him or talk with him every waking moment.  I'm sorry, I don't want to nor do I have the mental capacity to entertain you.  I can barely make it out of the house, let alone actually do something that I want to do without feeling annoyed or wanting to cry.  In fact, today I've stacked multiple things that I have to do that I don't necessarily want to do and my Dad asked if he could go with me.  I already told him that I just wanted to get it done and that it would be "faster if I just did it myself."  I spend every waking moment with him, every moment that I'm in my room trying to sleep I have a baby monitor set up so I can hear if he needs me.... I am not in a mentally healthy situation.  I have no breaks.  I have no time for myself and I don't have any kind of escape.  And unlike with my Mom, I don't have any family to give me a break.   If it's not me with him, it's Kacy or Ace.  Kacy takes the early morning, Ace taking the night shift, but I hear every night on the monitor when he gets up and I get up as well.  I trust my tribe, I just don't trust my Dad.  I also know that Ace is just as tired as I am, but Ace gets the privilege of sleeping for most of the day.  The minute I walk out of my room, my personhood is not my own.

I know my Dad doesn't understand this, I also know he's grateful and thankful for the help.  However, he is completely unaware at how much this whole thing has up-ended our day to day and he definitely doesn't understand the neuro-spicy component that is our family and the lack of communication is incredibly frustrating.  

I'm going to make it a mission today to look into respite care.  Maybe I can get Dad a weekend at a local facility for him to just kind of give us a hot minute.  I need to not think about anything that is going on, shut my brain off, and ignore the world.  Can I have that for Christmas?